DRDaniel Radcliffe
The oldest trick in the book is pulling the head off a dead goose and then restoring it.
I can do the first half of that trick.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Daniel Radcliffe has given several correct and comprehensive answers. Alan is starting to look miserable.]
Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you, Alan. You must be used to it by now.
Graham, would you like to read your joke?
Okay, here we go. (He reads the joke and then looks up at Stephen.) Did you write this?
Are they good?
It just sounds like something you might write. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who.
To whom, surely.
[Stephen has hypnotized a lobster]
You truly are a renaissance man!
I wear tights, put it that way.
[On the sunset being in effect a mirage, to the general confusion of the panellists]
I...hate...this...show.
Oh Phill, be interested, please.
The sun...is there! But you're going: [deep voice] No. But it's there. Not there. Miraaage.
[Later, Alan has expounded on sunstrikes in New Zealand]
And I'm sure the drivers in New Zealand, as they see the sun setting, will be reassured to know that it's [deep voice] not there.
What shape is this staircase? [Phill hits his buzzer.] Yes, Phill?
It’s not there!
[What is a "Henge"?]
Is it a very old form of economic investment? It's a henge fund.
[The panellists are given old bronze bowls with small hole in the middle, and asked what they would do with them]
You know what I would use this for, Stephen? If I was enjoying some salted pistachio nuts at home, while watching the Emmerdale omnibus, I would use this to…
SFStephen Fry and Alan Davies
…Kill yourself?
[On why Snakes on a Plane got produced.]
Because people had more money than sense?
So, with that display of general incompetence, we reach the end of recorded history. All that remains to see is who has learned its lessons, and who's condemned to repeat their mistakes endlessly…on Dave.
He can’t have been that ill though, cos he seems to have had time to change his socks.
I’m dying. Get the death socks.
Stephen, can I point out? Can I give the seal of approval to his wonderfully long socks?
Rob long socks. Oh dear.
[On the aye-aye]
I'm not surprised that they're endangered, because clearly they aren't mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going: "I'd rather not!"
It is dark, remember.
All the ugly ones come out in the dark.
That's how Jimmy mates. "I'm happy to do it, luv, but it'll have to be with the lights off."
I can't believe your wife told you that.
Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar.
Who finished off Russia’s greatest love machine?
Boney M.
[On the I series "Nobody knows" bonus]
What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?
I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.
Right. So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system, and I was to do that, [holds up his "Nobody knows" card] then… [he's cut off by laughter and applause]
He's made a very good point.
I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. Yes, fortunately that isn't one of the questions.
If it were in a hypothetical round a question - "What is the QI scoring system?" - and then "Nobody knows", [mimics lifting up the card] what would happen to the person who does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad? They are at least presumably sitting there thinking that they know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.