What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?
In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Stephen asks for Gandhi's first name, which is not 'Mahatma'.]
Do you know what "Mahatma" means?
It means "Can I have my hat please, Mother?"
JRJonathan Ross
What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?
I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".
[Discussing what babies have that adults do not]
They don't have kneecaps, do they?
JRJonathan Ross
Aren't you confusing them with mer-babies?
[A picture of the KKK comes up]
Oh man, of all the pictures you have to show.
I know, it's not good.
That's my uncle in that.
[After not speaking for ages, Rich hits his buzzer.]
Er, Rich?
Ever since the clangers, I’ve been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK and that’s pretty sad.
Thirty-mile-an-hour winds come when a train enters the station, and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.
That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
[Talking about how Tube tunnels are cleaned]
I don't understand why you can't have a—you know, like you used to have a cleaning tape for your cassette deck—you can't have a cleaning Tube? You'd just send a big furry train down …
[About Derren Brown]
JVJohnny Vaughan
He's got one great trick. You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anybody to sit there? He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. The trick is, as they approach, you smile at them and pat the seat.
The word "donkey"—when did it come into the English language?
GGGraeme Garden
When was Don Quixote published?
[On the Number of the Beast ]
They've discovered a papyrus which has the whole book of Revelations--it's the oldest papyrus on the book of Revelations--and the number is 616, as was known about--
GGGraeme Garden
[pressing his buzzer] That's the fax number of the Beast.
MSMark Steel
You know what they say is a test of whether you're anal? Whether or not you keep your records in alphabetical order. I would surely think that it depends on how many records you got—I mean, if you've only got two and you keep going back and going "ABBA, ZZ Top, they're still there, that's lovely" but I've got a roomful of bloody records! I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want! Apparently that means I got a problem with me arse! How is that right?
What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?
RMRoger McGough
Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"
Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"
RMRoger McGough
[reciting a poem] A crab, I'm told, will not bite,
Or poison you just for spite;
Won't lie in wait beneath a stone,
Until one morning out alone,
You poke a finger like a fool
Into an innocent-looking pool;
Won't grab your hand
And drag you off across the sand
Down into the bottom of the sea
To eat you dressed for Sunday tea.
The crab, I'm told, is a bundle of fun.
With claws like that? Pull the other one!
Jo, what’s a good way to create the impression that you’ve cleaned the house when you haven’t?
Just lock the door and kill everyone.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.