Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Standing in washroom with pants still pulled down and genitals tucked away] Ohh. I don't think he noticed. Think we got away with it. anyway- [Jess enters washroom and walks up to Rudy] oh, I'm sorry. I'm s... I'm s-s-sorry! I'm sorry! [Jess walks up to Rudy and punches him in abdomen] Uh! Oh! [Groans] Oh, this is a definite low point, man I can't...
You. I need your full name.
What for?
You're not on the system. And if you're not on the system, then you don't exist.
Fine. I'm Abbey. Abbey Smith.
I will not allow anarchy and chaos to overtake my community centre.
[Opens door to Mark] This better be good.
I know where it is. I know who's got your cock. [Alex looking over photograph in apartment] Apparently, she just turned up one night with a cock. No surgery, nothing.
What's her name?
She calls herself James. She hangs around in the karaoke bar on the estate.
[Hands over bundle of cash] There's half. You get the rest when I get it back.
[Alex picks up a gun] What are you doing? You never said anything about hurting anyone! [Shoves Alex]
Don't try and stop me! [Strikes Mark on head with gun knocking him out]
Probation worker's looking me up on the system.
But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?
I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.
All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!
So, what... Seriously, have you found me?
You told me where you worked.
Yes, I did tell you where I... because it's the community centre, is where I am. Fucking caretaker of the community... Centre of the community. It's a thankless job, really. It's pre... It's pretty... It's pretty humble. I think it has its own... sort of quiet dignity to it, though.
Anyway, do you feel okay?
Yeah, I'm all right. [Strainedly, does a-okay sign] I'm absolutely tiptop. Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos... Fuck! Uh! [Runs away]
What are you playing at, man? You're messing this up.
What, no, I'm not, dude. I'm trying... I'm trying.
You're not, you're being weird. What's all this? [Mockingly displays a-okay sign]
You know, honestly, I like this one. She's amazing.
Whoa, hey, whoa. What do you mean? What do you... What you on about, you fancy her or summat?
Yeah, think I do, yeah. Right, well, she's mine, so back off. You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal. Why don't you get it? This is the one girl we can both agree on. We could both be happy here.
This is why you can't afford to fuck this up.
Shit, man, help me out. I'm getting all nervous around her and...
Be straight with her, yeah? And no bullshit. You know, just for once in your life, you need to talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat.
[Nadine runs away from Rudy] Please don't go. Don't. Don't. Nadine. Fucking... Nadine!
How did it go?
It was amazing and then she's... she ran away... again. She left her bag. Shit!
Why does she keep running off, then?
Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.
Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!
Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!
[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.
[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...
I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.
To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.
Why are you being such a prick?
Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.
Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?
It's the werewolf thing, I told you.
Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.
[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
Ah. Yep. Looks like it.
I'm just gonna call her back.
What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?
[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?
Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?
He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.
We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.
Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.
Where is she? Where has she gone?
[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.
Is that the probation worker?
[Pointing gun at James abdomen] Get it out! I want to see it!
I don't know what you're talking about!
Get your dick out right now! [James whips out Alex's penis] That's mine! You stole it from me, you piece of shit!
Look, I had to, there was no other way.
I swear to God, it better be okay. If I find out you've been putting it anywhere that you shouldn't have been...
It's not about that, it's not about sex.
Alex. Look at me. Let's just calm down, yet? I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up everything you've already got.
[Holds shattered bottle to Alex's penis] Right, drop the gun or I'll do it. I'll fucking cut it.
Don't you fucking dare!
I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. You've got five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One... [Alex points gun at head]
What are you doing?!
I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. You're all laughing at me. I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything. And I can't live without my cock. I don't wanna live like this any more.
[Drops bottle on ground] Oh, don't. Just... Look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just did what I had to do. 'Cause all my life, it's all I've wanted. I don't want it. Not like this. [James inserts hand into Alex's pants and returns his penis]
That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.
What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?
I like... I like karaoke, too.
See you tomorrow, then.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]
[Walks into community centre] Oh, yeah? So, what have you come to give me this time? Twins?
Look, I know what you might think of me. That I'm a shit mum, but... I got scared. I've really missed him.
Too late. You didn't want him.
Jake. That's what I was gonna call him. I thought I couldn't do it, and I probably can't, but I've got to try. And since he's been gone, he's all I can think about. He is the only thing I've got.
You'd better fucking look after him. If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker, I will kick your arse.
What happened to the baby?
I gave him back.
Are you okay?
Fine.
Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
Where you going?
That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
[To Abbey scooping up dog shit] So, this is ironic, innit?
Maybe it's meant to be. I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It's all part of some big cosmic plan.
[To Abbey] You just stepped in some dog shit!
[To Nadine at altar in congregation room] There's a young man here to see you. He says he has your bag.
You can send him in.
Be careful, Nadine.
[Under breath] Shit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
