We need to talk, because I'm really confused. [Alex starts taking off pants] What are you doing?
[Shows her penis-absent crotch] I wanted to tell you. But I didn't think you'd understand.
What happened? Is that? Were... Were you born like that?
I was in a club. Someone stole it from me.
Yeah, it was a girl. A bloke. A transgender bloke. She wanted to be a man. She had a power. So she... took it from me. We... We swapped.
My cock is out there somewhere. It's mine. And I'm gonna get it back. So now you know... why we can't be together. [They kiss passionately]
[Watching pregnancy exercise class in atrium of community centre from upper floor] No. Dude, no, I'm not feeling it. It's like I'm fucking numb. It's like I'm paralyzed from me cock down over here...
Listen, oi, you know me, usually I'd be all over that. This used to be me favourite bit. Look at 'em all, stretching out their fannies, all nice and wide with their big, swollen milky tits. You know, their vaginas, they have an expiry date, mate. You've got to get one last taste of that fruit before it goes off. Do you understand what I'm telling you? There's nothing worse than a mouldy piece of fruit. Especially peaches. But now, I'm not even interested, to be honest with you. I'll tell you why. Do you know why?
Well, the girl from last night, Nadine, I can't get her out of me mind. What's it all about, really?
I think it means you really like her.
Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.
Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.
[Walks in] Who the fuck are you?
[To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?
[Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.
Better not have. What's she doing?
She's on community service.
Well, n- no- one told me.
Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.
[Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.
You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.
That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.
Well, good look with it all.
What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.
Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.
Where do I get a jumpsuit?
[Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.
Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?
So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?
I just... I don't understand whether I'm... whether I'm just, I'm thinking about her because, you know, I know I'm never going to see her again.
What, like, when you go to a vending machine and there's no prawn cocktail crisps? And then alls you want is a packet of prawn-
Prawn cocktail crisps. Exactly, exactly that, man. Exactly that! [Pause] Fuck, and now all I can think about is prawn cocktail crisps, knobhead. [Long pause] Yeah, no, I'm still on prawn cocktail. Fuck it, I'm going to have to go and get some prawn cocktail crisps.
[Snatches phone from Jess] Whoa! Post-op transgender genitalia, what! God, man, I always knew there was summat dodgy going on behind that sweet little face of yours. Not this shit, though, dude. Not chicks with dicks.
To be honest with you, you've gone up in my estimation somehow.
I'm not looking at them to get turned on.
Shit, what are you going to do? Are you going to get a dick put on?
Yeah. That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to get a dick put on.
Well, I've always wanted a dick so I just thought, "What am I waiting for, "let's get a dick."
Fuckin' hell! Ohh... that's amazing. So what do they do? I mean, do you buy a dick or does someone donate you one?
You have to order them. You just tell them what colour you want, how long you want it and you go for a couple of fittings and they just stitch it on.
That's amazing. Isn't it?
I'm going to be honest with you, though, the thought of you with your big floppy cock has kind of put me off my prawn cocktail crisps a bit!
[Takes bag from him] I'll have them. Bastard.
[Opens washroom stall to Tara] Sorry, are you using that?
I can't handle this. I can't even go to an antenatal class. How am I supposed to have a baby? I thought I could do it, but I can't.
[Kneels down] Oh, it's a design fault. Why don't they give us bigger vaginas? I mean, how are you supposed to get something so big out of something so small? Apparently, they suck the life out of your tits, so, er, you can kiss them goodbye.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't...
[Falls backwards and realizes she's instantly pregnant] What the fuck have you done to me?
I don't know. Um... I don't know. [Runs away]
Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?
Well, it must have been weird for you.
It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.
Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.
So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]
I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.
So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.
[Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]
All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.
[Sits at bar besides Jess] Hey, listen. If you ev... [slips and comes up] If you ever need any advice on dicks, or dick maintenance... shit, you know where I am.
Great, I will definitely take you up on that.
Not a problem. For example, I have a pretty brutal grooming regime. Moisturize my balls twice a day, keeps the wrinkles at bay. Constant battle, though. [Chuckles]
Wow. Please, talk to me more about your balls.
You're being sarcastic, aren't you? Fuckin'... I'm pretty... Are you being sarcastic? I'm pretty... pretty sure you're being sarcastic. What does the sexy barman think about all this?
About the old switcheroo. Fuckin' sex change.
He... He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know.
What do you... What do you mean? You're just gonna bloody surp... [looks over shoulder and back at her, in softer tone] you're just gonna surprise him? "Oh, fuckin' happy birthday. I've got a friggin' cock"? That is... That's horrible That's disgraceful. I've never heard anything like it in my life. I'm gonna tell him.
He's got... He's got a fanny.
What? [Scoffs and stammers] He's got a what?
Someone stole it from him. [Rudy snorts] They did a swap.
Can't believe it. Alex the barman.
He's got a mangina. If you tell anyone, I will fuck you up. Do you understand me?
[Walks up to pregnancy class director on laptop in community centre atrium] Quick thing. You know the girl who was here yesterday, the young one who was here on her own?
PCPregnancy class director
Tara?
Yeah. I need her address.
PCPregnancy class director
Tara? Oh, I can't give out personal details.
It's kind of important. I've got something that belongs to her.
PCPregnancy class director
Well, you can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.
Doesn't really work like that. Plus, I'd really like to give it to her myself.
PCPregnancy class director
Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.
[Sitting back next to Finn] Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives. Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car. Have you got a car?
Jess has got a car. A hatchback.
Well, what about the laptop?
Yes. Good. Steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction.
I'll take care of this. [Holds out hand straining]
Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? 'Cause I'm not sure that's gonna work. [Tips over pregnancy class director's coffee cup spilling on her who runs out] Oh, my... that's your power? You can spill cups of tea?
No, it... It's telekinesis. It's not exclusive to tea.
[Picks up pregnancy class director's laptop] Let's go. [Walks to door just as Greg walks in]
[Walks up to Abbey] Where the fuck did that come from?
Did you... Did you have that before?
Oh, that. No. That's new. Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me.
[Laughs] You think this is... funny? You see me laughing?
[Leans into Finn] Is this yours? Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?
No. My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her.
It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.
Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.
[Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.
How'd you know it's a him?
I don't know, just feels like a him.
I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.
No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?
It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.
Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?
Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!
[Following Jess] What are you doing?
I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.
You can't keep somebody else's baby.
What, you don't think I can look after it?
No, to be honest with you, not really.
Why would you even want another woman's baby?
[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.
What, are you like an orphan?
No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.
D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.
Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat
[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]
[To Alex and Jess] You all right?
Look at 'em. The happy couple.
I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.
[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?
What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?
He's got both, like a worm?
Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.
Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.
[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?
Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?
Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.
So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.
Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]
[Walks into washroom to Finn at urinal] Mate, listen. I just... I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now. You know, the whole Jess thing?
Maybe I should just tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit.
Yeah, you're right. Of course I'm right. Oi. Check this out. Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses. [Pulls down jumpsuit with genitals tucked in legs] Who am I? [Imitates Alex] Ho-way! Y'all right? Oh, look at the state of that. I've got a lovely soft fanny. It's all soft and furry. Look at me little furry Virginia. Oh, it's like a little squirrels gone in there, give it a stroke. I want it to become my friend. I don't... Here he is! Big man. How you doing? You all ri... Oh. That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?
