[In locker room] Just so you know, Alex, [does air quotes] "from the bar", is so not gay.
Great. I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband. Or, should I say, "civil partner".
[Does air quotes] "Twat"! The thing in the underground car park, he was buying some gear.
So he's a drug addict. He... he is quite a catch.
D'you know what? I really don't give a fuck what he was doing. What's going on?
Oh. God, I'm sorry, yeah?
[Lunges at Finn and slams him against locker and starts drawing on Finn's upper lip] You little bastard! Draw on my face, will you? You little shit!
Fuck off! Little comedy Hitler mustache there.
Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. Shit.
[Laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
[In a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Well, they aren't chinos so...
[Sees Jess] Hiya. You all right?
All right? Are you ready for the carnage?
Oh, you'll see. You'll see what I'm on about. [Chuckles with a raised index finger]
Are we going to this party, or what?
Start working on your friggin' digits, mate.
That is a mark of honor. It shows I'm a good person.
Do you know... all right, here we go. All right, here's a graph, [makes hand motions referring to an x/y graph] all right? And down the bottom, it says "niceness", and down the side, it says "number of times I've ejaculated inside a real human woman," right? [Points at Finn] And your friggin' graph, dude, is doing this. Are you watching? Boom! All right? Do you understand what I'm saying?
I don't care about numbers. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.
Yeah, right. See her, there? She is never gonna respect you while you got that on your head, you moron!
You're wrong. Because she respects people with morals. People who actually stand up for something. And I reckon... tonight's the night.
Do you? All right. So while you're just... [makes hand motions] jerking off... into a wet flannel, like a stinky little Hobbit bitch, I'm gonna be joining the Hundreds Club, all right? [Picks up a cup at a bar to a woman] Here we go, here we go. Hello, I'm Rudy, how you doing? I'll be your waiter for the evening. I'll get you a white wine spritzer, that's for you.
CCarrie
Why've you got 99 on your head?
Mm, very interesting story about that. If you'd like to come to the bedroom with me, I'll just explain it all. It's very interesting.
CCarrie
All right. [She walks away with Rudy]
CCarrie
[On top of Rudy kissing him passionately] Hmm... Purr!
No... stop it...! Knock it off! [Pushes Carrie off him] Sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just not really feeling it!
Carrie: What?
Well, it's just if it's going to be me centenary fuck, it's gotta be summat special, hasn't it? You know what I mean? Something a bit magical. It's got to be something I can tell me grand kids when they run around me ankles, you know what I mean?
Shit, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but you know what, love, it doesn't change the fact... what was that? There's something in that cupboard. All right. It's all right, um... [picks up a mug and practices using it as a weapon] Imagine that! [opens cupboard to discover Richard]
It's him, it's Saunders, he's here! What you doing in there?
He's coming for us, he's out there! The white rabbit's coming!
[Mimics Richard] Oh, this is classic Saunders, this is, trippin' his friggin' balls off! What have you taken?! It won't mean anything to you, this, right, but I'm tellin' you, this is bloody vintage... vintage Saunders!
The white rabbit! R -R- Rabbit! White rabbit!
There's no food. I think we should raid the funeral.
Can we just talk about the numbers?
46? Must have been one hell of a weekend. You could fill a coach with all those. A fuck bus.
It would be an awkward journey.
Mine... we could all fit inside a small car, something like a Vauxhall Corsa. We'd have a seat left over.
I know what you must think...
No, it's fine! You don't have to justify yourself to me!
I'm not that person any more.
So... it turns out we've got something in common. Neither of us are slags.
Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics. Find out if two can go into one.
If I'm two and I'm going into one, that would mean that I'm penetrating you.
It was a joke. God... Forget it.
I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mister HIV over there. [Nods head to Alex]
Finn, can we not do this tonight? [Walks away]
Oh, no. No, thank you. Are you all right?
[Attempting to decide on a woman in party] No! Hello! Would you? Fucking unbelievable! No!
WWoman
Oh! Who is that fuckin' guy?
No! Sorry! It's not happening! Shit! [Gets woman's attention] Ooh, hey! You're all right. What's your name?
HHolly
Why've you got a 99 on your head?
That's how aroused I am out of 100. I'm gonna let you know if you get down to final three, yeah? [Finn joins him] Just conducting a little field study, eh? Trying to make a short list for the Miss 100, aren't I?
[Observes Jess talking to Alex] You're sulking cos you've been blown out the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?
Okay, he's quite sexy! He's got the whole... face thing going on. But... so what?
D'you know, I think the best thing you can do right now, let's just find someone else and make her jealous.
Course I'm right. Uncle Rudy were born right, mate, 99. Let's do this. Come on, little man.
[Motions to a deeply inebriated woman] Right, there we go! Right, that's a freebie! Pudding is served!
I can't. She... She's wasted.
RRudy
Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It's a bloody loophole is what it is. [Makes gesture] Right, this is your loophole here. You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole. Do you understand me?
Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking drunk girls.
RRudy
[Chuckles] Really, Finlay? Really?
Shit. Right... Right, well, in that case, drink up. Come on.
You're not gonna get laid here, man. You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are, frankly.
Are we going back to the funeral?
Yeah, we're going back to the funeral, come on. [Steps out in hallway over Abbey passed out with Finn fixated on her] Yeah, mate. Eh, I think she's the one for you, ain't she?
Do you think she's all right?
Yeah, man, I think she looks really nice.
I think we should move her.
No, leave her, she's peaceful.
Let's put her inside. Grab her legs.
Fuck's sake! One, two, three... [carrying Abbey into party's apartment] everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through! We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic! Excuse me... can you open that door?
PMParty man
[Opens bathroom door] Cheers, dude, nice one. [Rudy and Finn carry Abbey into bathroom]
Good God, man! You all right there? All right, mate? Yeah. Up we go! Now. [Puts Abbey in bathtub and Finn places a rolled up towel under Abbey's head] Christ! Come on... What are you doing?!
Just making her comfortable!
[Jess attempts to seduce him in a secluded room] I... I don't think we should do this right now.
You lead me on, then fuck me about!
No, it's... It's not like that.
Ohh... That's it?! That's all I'm getting, "it's complicated"? Or, maybe it's me. I take it there wasn't a problem with the other 46? Do you know what? I've had enough of you and your bullshit head games. [Walks away]
[Back at funeral wake observing women] Some of these are very vulnerable, mate, right? You know, they're weak, bit delicate. It's time for some sweet, sweet bereavement pussy. Hmm! Ooooh!
'Course you don't. That's why you're still on that, innit?
Get your game face on. Hmm? Come on. Step up to the plate.
WWoman
You've got something in your teeth.
[Reaches in mouth] Oh. [She walks away]
[Walks up to Nadine] It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.
Tell you what, puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it?
Mmm. Actually, no. It doesn't. I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.
Ohh... Er... can I interest you in a dry sherry? [Nadine breaks out sobbing] What's the matter with you? Oi! Why are you getting upset?
She was a good person. I'm gonna miss her.
Let me sort you out. Um... [grabs a napking] an I just take that, mate? Cheers. Sorry, dude. [Hands her napkin] There you are. Thank you. It's all right. You're probably gonna feel like this for a really long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realize that when you think about her, it's... it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of... just instead of it being so sad. I just think that's when you know you're all right. [Chuckles] You're right. It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral. Yes, I suppose it'd be... So... bit disrespectful if we were all... downing shots of vodka and getting nude. [Nadine laughs]
You've... You've cheered me up.
Can I ask... why have you got a number on your head?
Oh. It's a long story, really, that one. Very long.
How? How come I didn't see you at the funeral?
At the community centre. Yeah, I'm a caretaker there. I like to give a bit back to to community, to kids...
Mmm. Can I get you a drink, then?
Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine. Two dry sherries coming right this way.
[Glances at clock] Is that the right time?
No, don't go. Please don't. I wasn't hitting on you. I wasn't, if that's what you thi... But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos... you're beautiful. It's... The numbers, though, they don't mean anything. And... And the 100 thing, I- I don't give a shit about, so... just stay and have a drink.
It's been really nice meeting you.
Don't go. [Nadine leaves party] What? What the fuck was that?
