Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[After community servers finish singing Little Donkey]
You've seriously lost your cool.
Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.
[Swiping a plastic baby doll from the manger] Sorry, Jesus.
I think I'm having another! I think I'm having twins!
What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
What is it?
You're giving birth to an alien!
Get it out, get it out!
[Pulls out placenta stomping on it and spraying everyone with blood] Die!
It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!
Anyway, so... happy Christmas, one and all.
That is a fucking horrible jumper.
Shut up. It was a Christmas present from Marnie. That's very rude.
Is there any reason why have to have the same powers as we had before?
Mine died with that Jesus guy.
[Waiting to see Seth] He said if we've got the money, we can take our pick.
[All community servers silently standing before Seth] Okay. So who's first? [All community servers are unresponsive]
[Walks forward] You're all such pussies! I'll do it. [Sits in front of Seth letting him take her hand and connects with him]
[At Seth's door slot] Right, I need to speak to the... cool, mysterious... power guy. Is he... is he in?
[Walks onto tower block rooftop and sees Rudy 2 at edge] Oh... what the fuck... do you think you're doing?
You think you can get rid of me? I'm a part of you.
Cool power guy with the suits, he could've sorted all this bullshit out, but, oh no, you had to make a big drama, didn't you?
I'm not gonna let you bury me. I'm staying right here.
Oh, you're such a whiny little bitch!
You hate me, you hate yourself.
Nobody loves themselves more than I do. I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat, wouldn't I?
So we're back to the whole, "I'm gay", thing there, really, aren't we?
What you bringing that up for? I'm not gay.
D'you remember that time in PE, when you were in the showers and you got turned on watching Richard Saunders soaping his balls?
Oh, it's pathetic! It's sad.
You thought about it when you were screwing the fake vagina you made out of Mum's rubber gloves.
[Fighting clone] Ah...! Out of order, out of order.
You trying to fuck me?
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
I am you!
You're nothing to do with me! [They fall over edge merely landing on a lower rooftop]
Rudy! [Groans] That could've gone horribly wrong, that. You could have killed us.
Shut up whining.
[Walks up to Shaun at vending machine] You're not gonna ask about me limp?
No.
No, of course not! 'Cause that would just be doing your job, wouldn't it? I'm not sure you're cut out to be a probation worker, mate.
Is that right?
Yeah.
When you're finished with the careers advice, you can piss off and pick up some litter with [referring to Tanya and Charlie] those other two shitheads.
Right. [Shaun emasculatingly pats him on cheek and walks away, to Tanya and Charlie] Before... all the accusations, recriminations start flying around, before harmony turns to discord and everyone starts shouting and jabbing their fingers at each other, right, I just want to say for the record, hand on heart, the other hand on a Bible, that it wasn't absolutely wasn't me who left the big floater in the toilet back there.
These are the designs for an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Yeah, mate. Check out the propulsion system. It's liquid nitrogen, it's wicked.
Where did you get them?
I drew 'em.
[Laughs] You? You honestly expect me to believe that?
You think I nicked them? I fucking drew 'em. They're my designs!
Get her out of here.
[Security attempts to manhandle her] Take your hand off me, you prick! I'm a fucking rocket scientist! [Security manhandles her away]
These new powers are bullshit. I thought this power would make me dead clever and everything, but all I know is how to build and design rockets.
I guess it does exactly what it says on the tin.
Except there's no fucking tin with all the instructions on it. No one believes someone like me could be a rocket scientist.
Well, you don't exactly look like a rocket scientist.
Maybe I should get some glasses, make me look dead intelligent.
Yeah, that'll do it.
You've just had unprotected anal sex with that girl.
I most certainly did. And she loved it.
What if she's got HIV?
Cute girls don't get HIV.
You need to take her to the clinic, you need to get her to have some tests, get her a full work-up.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. D'you know how rare it is to find a girl who genuinely, honest to God, absolutely loves it up the arse?
She totally knocked you back.
She's playing hard to get, mate.
She's out of your league. She's laughing her arse off at you. You can't go back in there. You gonna have to... Oh, climb through the window! Just go. C'mon.
No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14?
D'you mean the thing with the neighbor's cat?
No! We do not talk about that! Right?
Where are you going?
Just fuck the fuck off.
[Tanya froze time and bottled Rudy and put the bottle in Curtis' hand] You've... you've bottled me!
What are you talking about?!
This man just bottled me!
I didn't do anything to you!
[To Charlie] Me face! Am I still, am I still gorgeous?
Why do we always have to get involved? Can't we just do normal stuff that normal people do, like... go for brunch?
What the fuck is brunch?
[After running from the cops with Simon and Kelly] I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.
[Curtis shows up] I thought they had you.
No. I got away. I... [looks at Rudy] I did my thing.
Ah! If that's some sort of vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cause I am cool and the gang with all that. [To Simon] You're very starey.
And what can I do for you?
There's this girl on the estate, yeah? She used a power to make it look like me and my mates trashed a car, the police are after us.
And you're telling me because?
I thought you could do something about it, take her power or something.
Oh, right, did you? [Feigns searching at desk] Right, well, I'll just find my cape and tights and get on it.
You think this is funny, don't you? Do you see me laughing?
I don't think I've ever seen you smile.
'Cause you always sit there with a massive shit-eating grin on your face. Mister Fucking Happy! Look, are you gonna do something about this girl or not?
I... really don't see that happening.
You don't give a shit about anyone, do you?
I give a shit about me.
And just so you know, this new power. It's rubbish.
But you're a rocket scientist.
Yeah, and you're a dick!
Come by any time.
[Notices dog-shaped charity donation bin missing] The little bastards. [Slams Rudy's locker shut] Which one of you fuckers took the dog?
What dog? Was there even a dog?
The charity box, for the blind? The Labrador, retriever, whatever the fuck it was. Who nicked it?
What? I don't know nothing about no dog, man. Was there... was there a dog? Where is there... a dog?
[Pokes sign into Rudy's throat] Who took it?
Right... I really hate to be a grass... but I did see that strangely intense girl with slightly inadequate breasts, she was carrying something heavy and dog-shaped over to her locker before...
Which one?
It's number 43. [Shaun uses fire extinguisher to bust open locker]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
