Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[To Simon] Oh, Jesus, no! There's puss seeping out of my cock! One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club, one of them had poor personal hygiene! This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions! No girl in her right mind's going to have sex with that.
You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Right. She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
It's Nathan, right?
Yeah, I just wanted to swing by, you know, say hi, as one superhero to another.
That's really sweet of you.
So, how mad is all this?
Totally mad.
And look at you, with your wonderful, amazing power. I saw what you did with that guy in the wheelchair. That's like curing two normal people. Double points. And so... I was wondering... if you could maybe help me out with a small, personal affliction of my own.
Of course. What is it?
Well... I appear to have contracted a sexually transmitted disease of some kind. I honestly don't know how I got it.
I'm sorry. I don't do sexually transmitted diseases.
No?
Because of the rubbing. Go to the doctors. They'll give you some antibiotics.
How long will that take to work? See, out there, there are a load of drunken girls just staggering around, waiting to be shagged. Do you really want to disappoint them?
I'm sorry. I'm just not prepared to spend my life rubbing other people's genitalia.
Oh, come on. Just give it a quick rub. It's lovely and clean. It's pine-forest fresh.
I'm not going to rub your cock!
Where's your humanity?
It's not going to happen. Okay?
That's fair enough. I suppose I only have myself and that dirty bitch I had sex with to blame. [Referring to trophy] What's that?
That's my Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. It's for the charity work I did in India.
Good for you, and good for Mumma Teresa. God rest her beautiful soul. I think I'm going to win that next year myself.
[Over the accidental death of Daisy] It was an accident! She was rubbing my cock! She started foaming at the mouth and then she tripped and impaled herself on her Mother Teresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award. I know it sounds unlikely... but there it is.
The police are going to want to interview you again, but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
[Throws up hands and breathes sigh of relief] Oh! Oh! [Collapses in chair] Thank you! I just want to say... it's a tragedy. And no-one is more upset about this than me. But what's done is done. I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser. [Pulls out bra from underneath him]
This could only happen to you.
She was going to cure the world.
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry! And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you... [makes inhales sharply while making rapid hand movements] and fix this entire situation?
You know it doesn't work like that!
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that!
[Kicks Nathan's chair] Prick!
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
I'll try not to.
[To Simon] I'll tell you something, though. It's all cleared up. You know... down there. As clean as a new pin. [Hears knock on door, gets up] If you're still in hiding, you should probably do your invisible thing.
[To Simon] You think you're surprised? Imagine being me! You're still you, but you're different.
You said if you didn't come back and die, you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.
It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reese back in time so that he can be his father.
How do I look?
Like a prick in a suit.
[Points to Curtis] That's sexual jealousy, because of my prowess as a lover.
Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
That only happened once. And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.
Do you want that (pizza)? Just lost my appetite...
No, I'm lactose intolerant.
Does that mean you're afraid of cows?
[Looks behind him] So that boys and girls is how you shoot yourself in the head. I don't recommend you try this at home.
I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.
Y'know, apart from all the killing and the dying and stuff, this community service really wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
[Sits at bar] So being Santa sucks a big fat cock. Two pints of lager please, barmaid.
Are you going to pay for them?
No.
Oh, come on! I've been working for the council, scraping up dog shit.
That's thirsty work. [To Simon] So how did it all go so right for you? You end up with a cool flat and a beautiful girlfriend?
I think it's dead romantic, I do.
I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.
[Lunges forward] No way! No more free drink! [Nathan grabs pint and downs it in one gulp] You're such a prick. [To Alisha] You're going to get us both sacked!
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life working in some shitty bar?
No.
Then I'm doing you a favour! [Holds up glass] Refill!
[Enters bar] This is fucking ridiculous! I had to walk all the way back from the other side of the estate.
Are you okay?
[To Curtis] Have you got my knickers? [Nathan attempts to peer upskirt] Want a look?!
I wouldn't mind. After all, it is nearly Christmas.
[Walking in recreation centre hallway with pregnant Marnie fiddling with a cigarette] I really wouldn't do that if I were you. That's how babies get turned into dwarfs.
I like dwarfs.
Me too. Who are you?
I'm Marnie.
And this baby of yours, who's the dad?
I'll know when it comes out. Depends if it's white or black or Chinese or...French.
Those brown babies are very cute. And I like a Chinese baby as much as the next man.
Me too. Whoever the dad is, he's not around.
So you're all alone in the world, apart from the living organism growing inside you?
Looks that way.
We should probably go for a drink. Swap some funny stories. See if we have similar tastes and interests.
Overcome some emotional hurdles.
And have a few huge rows.
"What did you do, you stupid prick?!"
"I'm sorry, baby, I didn't know we were exclusive and she had massive tits! It'll never happen again!"
We'll make up and before you know what's happened, I've trapped you in a serious relationship.
That would be the conventional way to do it.
There's just one problem; I can't drink.
So... I guess we should skip all that other stuff and get straight down to the shagging. [They vigorously make love]
Well maybe I'm a multimillionaire who just chooses to live in a community centre.
How are you doing that?
I'm Jesus Christ... and I have been reborn.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
