[Finds Curtis on a rooftop, starts taking off dress and walking towards him] Hey, I've just been thinking about you.
What're you doing?
I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.
Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.
Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.
It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.
Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer. She's a virgin.
I knew there was something wrong with her!
There isn't any more.
I'm proud of you, man! [chuckles] Oh! Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.
Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.
I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.
R1Reporter 1
How would you describe your ability?
I call it lactokinesis.
R2Reporter 2
What's it like being called the world's first superhero?
[Watching on TV] That has to be the shittiest power ever.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
Fuck off!
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
I sound retarded.
[Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
'Cause you just are, man.
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
What?
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
What was that?
They know about us.
Who?
Everyone.
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Bullshit.
No way.
Are you serious?
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Don't open the door.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
Yeah.
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Like you give a shit.
That's a good point. See you.
Where you going?
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
Wanker!
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
What are we gonna do?
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
There is an alternative.
Who are you?
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
What are we thinking?
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Good answer.
Sign us up.
Good.
We're making a mistake.
We should all stick together.
Just do it with us.
This will change everything.
Oh.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
LLaura (their manager)
Right. Is there anything I need to know?
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Fuck's sake!
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?
No!
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Anyone else?
I shagged a monkey.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
What are we doing here?
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors. Just relax and enjoy yourself. I should mingle.
Laura.
Close your mouth!
Sorry, sorry, it just went down the wrong way.
[To Laura oblivious to him] Hi. [To community servers] Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit?
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
You're here to make the coffees, then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So, what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out of his man-boobs during puberty?
No.
We had a kid like that at our school. We used to milk him every lunch time.
I wasn't one of those kids. [Nathan walks behind Brian and massages his breast] Get off me! What are you doing?!
I'm milking you!
Get off!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
Fuck off!
That's what the kid at my school used to say, and he had a nervous breakdown. [Brian walks away]
[Walks up to him] Nathan. How do you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television tomorrow night?
Um... Yeah, I'm definitely up for that. Another, please.
[Sits at bar next to Nikki] Hi.
Hi.
Be nice to (Curtis), yeah?
...Just me and a gun...
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Why not? They're planning to film it at the community centre.
Right. So, it's like a whole "going back to my roots" kind of vibe?
[Fans calling and thronging Daisy]
Who's she?
That's Daisy. More and more people with powers are coming forward.
What can she do?
She can heal people, any illness, any disease. She plans to cure the world. She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower. She is going to make a fortune.
Hi, honey. Where are you going?
BSBrian's girlfriend
There's somewhere I need to be.
I thought you liked me.
BSBrian's girlfriend
Well...
So now there are other people with powers, you're not interested in me?
BSBrian's girlfriend
There's a guy downstairs who can rewind time. You can do stuff with milk.
I'll show you what I can do. [Brian's girlfriend starts choking on yogurt]
BSBrian's girlfriend
What are you doing? What is that?
That's the Greek yogurt you ate earlier. It's moving up into your trachea. [Leans down to her body on floor] You think I'm a nobody. You're nothing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.