Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Quon Le was arrested for sharing a house with a group of prostitutes.]
[trying to explain Mac and Quon Le's relationship] Mac was just temporarily acting in the role of spouse.
Well, hey, that's all we were doing, and we got busted for it!
If we actually live together as husband and wife... I said if. We'd have lots of problems.
All newlyweds have problem.
Who told you that?
Bull. A man named Phil told him.
Quon Le, but we'd have extra problems. 'Cause even though America is land of liberty and all that, some people haven't accepted the idea of two people from different races living together as man and wife.
Can you accept it?
Well, of course I can accept it, but that's because I love you.
Aw...
That is the first time you said you love me.
Quon Le, there's a chance it could get ugly.
Mac, I have lived with war ever since I was five years old. My home was destroyed, most of my family were killed. And I have lived with that horror every single day of my life. Tell me, can it get any uglier than that?
[about the Soviet Union] It's really that bad back there?
You ever been to Milwaukee?
Yeah.
Well, close your eyes. Please? [Bull does] When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, you walk, run, or fly, you're always going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can grab a a car, and drive two thousand miles away, you're still going to be in the middle of...
[clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT! [rushes away]
[to his brother] Works every time.
[after speaking with his wife on the telephone, Glasscock admits that she is a bad patient]
Women... can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
I have been "without" for two months. Even the dancing bear started to look good.
[The two sit stolidly for a few moments. Then they start to chuckle, and finally fall over each other laughing.]
[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]
What is it, Dirk?
Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.
WOMEN'S detention?
Dirk, Grayson's a man.
No. There was a dress.
It was a man wearing a dress.
Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?
Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.
Where is he now?
Right below us, room 1706.
1706? Isn't that where they do the...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Strip search.
Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!
Jersey. Been there.
[A French man was held hostage by a group of people on the subway]
The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.
We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!
What did he do?
He talked to us.
Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.
What is that weapon?
...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.
It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!
People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...
We don't get the guns back?
[giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!
[Jack Sullivan, the Defense's father, is accused of being with a prostitute]
Daddy, what happened?
I got caught with a hooker.
Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?
The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.
All of them?
She's in there, too, Dan.
[smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
You're pretty sharp for a...
Minority?
My boy never had a chance, did he?
[She smiles and shakes her head.]
[on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?
[pause]
[to Flo] What's a "Smurf"?
Imagine your cat threw up a furball that talked.
[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]
[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...
[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?
I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.
You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.
[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.
[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?
Sure Bull, I'll have some.
How did you know it was me?
You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]
[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?
I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.
[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?
Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?
Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."
[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!
I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...
Coca-Cola.
Exactly.
Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?
They're all people... I've never heard of.
[bangs gavel] Next.
Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.
What things?
[bangs gavel again] Next.
[holding a paper doll of a naked man] This is anatomically correct.
For some of us, maybe.
Now, what happened to Chip? [Harry snips off the bottom half and staples it back in a higher position] Oh, my God.
Kinda reminds you of when you found out about the Easter Bunny, huh?
What about the Easter Bunny?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
