I'm with you, man. Everything sucks! Especially sobriety. Why would I make my body a temple? I've been to temple. Temple is super-boring.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Let's get higher than a stilt-walker's dick!
ASAna Spanikopita
After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them. But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. Because those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.
[beat]
What does that have to do with me?
[slumping over onto BoJack's shoulder] I wanna be an architect...
PNPlanetarium Narrator (Neil deGrasse Tyson)
Be it horse, cat, human or even lizard, our lives are but the briefest flashes in a universe that is billions of years old.
See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past or how we'll be remembered, the only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? [she doesn't respond] Sarah Lynn? [cut to black, stopping all music and sound] Sarah Lynn?
The funeral [for Sarah Lynn] was huge. There was so many people there. I kept thinking "I did this to her." And everyone was just standing around like "Well, this was bound to happen." But... it wasn't bound to happen.
I'm really sorry BoJack.
I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying that I'm going to change. I'm poison.
BoJack...
I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.
EEmily
Todd, can I ask you something?
Of course.
EEmily
What's your deal? I feel like you like me but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is. Are you gay?
Woah. Why would you even--
EEmily
You can tell me if you're gay. It's fine. This isn't the 1600s or some places in the present.
I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but... I don't think I'm straight, either. I don't know what I am. I think I might be nothing.
EEmily
Oh. Well, that's okay.
Yeah?
EEmily
Yeah, of course.
JSJoseph Sugarman
Believe it or not, time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. It merely marches forward.
I wouldn't want to be my daughter either.
BoJack...
I mean, look what I do to the people I'm supposed to care about. I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you fall in love with!
I guess they're not gonna put you in the Best Friends Hall of Fame, but... I don't know that I loved her. You know, I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.
Don't say that. You do so much for everybody, and all you ever asked for was a roof over your head and the occasional s'more in a baguette.
I'm telling you, it's a million dollar idea!
I got more of you than I ever deserved. If you never talk to me again, I just want you to know I appreciate it. And... I appreciate you.
Thanks.
I think I'm... asexual.
A sexual what? Dynamo? Deviant...
No. Asexual. Not sexual.
Oh.
I'm sure you think that's weird...
Are you kidding? That's amazing! Something I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes!
You have-
I know I have multiple strains, it was just for the joke.
It's actually feels nice to finally say it out loud... I'm an asexual person. I'm asexual.
HHollyhock
I know this must be painful for you.
Not painful, boring. This place sucks. And if I'm not even getting credit for coming here, what's the point?
HHollyhock
If only there was some way for her to connect the BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week...
Yeah. Too bad we can't... or can we!?
HHollyhock
Can we what?
Put on a live episode of Horsin' Around in the nursing home! Yeah, yah! Good thinking, Hollyhock!
HHollyhock
Umm...
We'll do Horsin' Around here at the home! She'll love it, cuz it's her son BoJack!
HHollyhock
[sitting on a bench] Okay...
And then after the show, I- I'll come out and say hello, and she'll say "BoJack? Is that you?" And when her eyes spark with recognition, [sits down with Hollyhock] I'm gonna sit down next to her, I'm gonna squeeze her hand [puts his hand on Hollyhock's], and get real close and say... "Fuck you, Mom!"
[thinking while waking up] Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit. You're a real stupid piece of shit. But I know I'm a piece of shit. That at least makes me better than all the pieces of shit who don't know they're pieces of shit. Or is it worse? Breakfast. [cut to BoJack taking his pills] Oh, I don't deserve breakfast. Shut up. Don't feel sorry for yourself. What does that do? Get breakfast, you stupid fat-ass. [cut to BoJack sitting at the table eating cookies] These are cookies. This is not breakfast. You are eating cookies. Stop it! Stop eating cookies and go make yourself breakfast! Stop it! [BoJack takes another cookie] Don't eat one more cookie! Put that cookie down! Do not eat that cookie! [BoJack bites into the cookie] I can't believe you ate that cookie!
[thinking to himself] Go talk to her, idiot. Drink first... No, you stupid alcoholic. Talk to your daughter. You're ruining her. You know that, right? No matter what, your poison is already in her. There's nothing you can do. "That's not true!" Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit! You're a real stupid piece of shit, and everywhere you go you destroy people! Of course your mother never loved you, what did you expect? That's why Sarah Lynn died! That's why Charlotte will never forgive you! What are you gonna do to Hollyhock!? What are you gonna do, asshole!? SHUT UP!!!
[thinking to himself] You screw-up. You're making your daughter hate you. Which is... good, because look what happens when people love you! Look at Penny! And Herb! And Sarah Lynn! It's because you made them love you, BoJack.
Why are we at a bar?
We're just celebrating getting Doll back!
You don't wanna bring the doll back to your mom?
I will! We're just having a drink first! Relax!
Okay...
[thinking to himself] He knows you're terrible. He's the biggest idiot in the world and even HE knows you're terrible!
So when did you get a daughter? She's new, right? Or was she always part of the gang?
I met her about a month ago.
Whoa!
Yeah. And it was great at first. But now I feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.
"BoJack things up"? You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? And then share a laugh with your good friend Mr. Peanutbutter?
No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don't think I can take that.
Well, maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you.
I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love".
Look, BoJack. I don't know a lot about balancing a state budget, or how a bill becomes a law.
Uh...
I don't know a lot about a lot of things! But I do know this: everybody deserves to be loved.
If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty. You're allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.
HHollyhock
I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know? Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like, "Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"
I know what you mean.
HHollyhock
That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?
Yeah?
HHollyhock
It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?
[smiling in spite of himself] Yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.