Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[to Oleg, who is carrying Sophie's stack of bridal magazines] Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these—Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride, City Bride. And you really need African-American Bride?
Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey? RSVP yes.
Oh, yeah. This one's hot. [takes a page out of one of the magazines] Save that one for later. Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.
Oh, keep her. I might need a Tuesday off.
[Max and Caroline accuse two rich high school girls of selling knock-offs of their cupcake T-shirts]
We did not steal your idea.
Yeah, we did not steal your idea. We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Wait a minute... We have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn!
Ashlin, you talk too much. This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.
I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds over spring break.
[to Max] It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. And I'm also running a special on D batteries. Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy of Horrible Bosses 2.
[as Han comes in] Here comes Horrible Bosses Too Small. Need some new batteries to keep walking and talking?
No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you.
[pause] Preach.
[at Nola's photography exhibit] Look that title! "The Great Unwashed." Are Oleg's balls here?
Max, it's the art scene. Class it up. At least say "testicles."
Okay, Nashit, pay attention. These are the tables. This is the dessert bar.
And these are my boobs.
Max, be professional.
These are my boobs, sir.
Please, I have to make him a waiter.
Fine, you make him a waiter, and I'll just make him later.
[about Nashit] You can't seriously be into him. He looks like someone in a boy band.
Yeah, and he's going one direction... Down there!
But if you sleep with him, then Nashit is gonna hit the fan. How do you know you even like him?
You know what I like? That we're doing it.
Oh, my God. This the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon on the sidewalk.
Who are you calling a prostitute?
Here ye! Here ye! I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner.
Well, we'll miss you, Han.
Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest, I'll be here forever.
You two are so adorable, like Romeo and Juliet... except without the bright future.
Well, it happened.
Ryan Seacrest came out?
Oh, Max, don't be silly. No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago. My biggest dream has come true!
Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?
Okay, my second biggest dream. I'm pregnant.
Oh, no, everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken parmesan here.
All the businesses on that block are gonna close. It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.
Oh, my God!
I know! Another Max is getting plowed on our block?
Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."
Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.
Dongs. The answer is dongs.
C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.
Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.
Oh... my... God. It finally happened. Someone doesn't wanna have sex with me! He said he gotta be at work early. Isn't that weird?
That you're dating a guy with a job? Yeah, that is weird.
Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...
Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?
He has two.
Two what?
Owen has two penises! Why is it so hard to understand?
Is that a thing that can happen?
Yes, it's called diphallia. I just Googled it. It's a medical condition in which a male is born with two penises. The only case in which two dongs make a right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
