You'll never guess who just came into the restaurant. You'll be very happy.
Gary, the fat guy from Teen Mom?
Someone you like, someone you want to kiss, someone you're hot for.
Tyler, the skinny guy from Teen Mom?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I kissed Johnny.
What? When?
He came by the apartment right after you left.
I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do, shine a bat symbol on your vagina?
You're lucky I edited your application.
Why, what was so bad?
You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. Max, that's not even a thing.
Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.
Max!
I call it "Santa's big helper."
It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.
MMary
Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.
Mine too!
MMary
My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.
Mine too!
I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray.
MMary
Hi. I'm Mary.
I'm Caroline.
MMary
[turns to Max] Hi. I'm Mary.
It's cool, we don't need to talk.
Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall. [referring to a group of four hipsters sitting next to two homeless men]
You think those are six hipsters? Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?
Ready.
Hipsters wear?
Skinny jeans.
Homeless wear?
Dirty jeans.
Hipsters listen to?
Radiohead.
Homeless listen to?
The voices in their head.
Hipsters have?
Beard and a blog.
Homeless have?
Beard and so much sadness. I see sadness, there and there.
I'll handle this. [walks toward the group of hipsters] I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike. Better step it up. The Apple Store closes at ten.
Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?
'Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo.
Oleg, take a picture of your junk on this customer's camera.
Done.
Aren't you gonna ask why?
No need.
[Caroline screams]
I just saw Oleg's...
Yeah, that might have been my fault. Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.
Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan.
Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.
There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.
JJeffrey
[dissing Caroline] And so sorry to hear about your father being a criminal and you being penniless and all that ugliness. But it is kinda karma. You are where you are now, and I'm back on top.
Look, Jeffrey, I know we just met, but there's no way you're a top.
That little man disrespect me. He-He insult my food, my English, my "hyjane."
Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
A hug would help.
If I hug you, will you go back to work?
Yes.
Two-second hug. I'm going in.
[Max and Oleg hug, Caroline comes into the kitchen]
Aw!
[Max and Oleg pull away; Max's yellow shirt zipper is pulled down revealing her cleavage]
Uh...
[Caroline points to Max's shirt revealing what had happened]
[to Oleg, in shock] Whoa! How did you do that? Your hands never left my back!
I am like David Blaine of zippers.
[annoyed] I was trying to cheer you up.
You did.
[Caroline is at the counter]
Hey.
[Max walks in the apartment]
Hey. What's that smell?
I'm making cupcakes.
You lit the pilot light?
Didn't have to. Look.
[Caroline gestures to the new stove; Max is shocked]
No way! The BlueStar in purple! What the-? How could you afford that? You sold your TAT?
Sold them all. Spent it on the oven, next-day delivery fee, and installation.
That woman gave you a better price?
No, she pulled a gun on me. So I went to every gold store in Brooklyn, leveraged their offers against each other, until I got enough to buy the BlueStar.
You didn't have to do that.
After what I did, there were no more words, only ovens. And our future means more to me than rings from my past. I told you; I'm in this for the long haul. And for the record, I hated lunch with those girls. I'd rather split a Kit-Kat in a bathroom with you any day.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was staring at my new boyfriend over there. I wanna make out with it! [excitedly runs over to the new oven] Ha, ha. Mmm.
[kisses the oven, burning her lips in the process] Ow, hot.
[the oven dings]
[in amazement] There is not a ding!
There's a ding. My rings bought a ding. You wanna hug me, don't you?
Yeah.
But you're not gonna.
Yes, I am. But if you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed! Impressed but pissed.
[Caroline and Max hug]
We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
Why would we need to do that?
Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
They are, I make them in my home.
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?
I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed."
TTanya
[in a Jamaican accent] All right now, your total is $70.49.
Wow, that seems like a lot.
TTanya
I don't make the prices, now do I?
No, I was just commenting.
TTanya
Well, it's not CNN, now is it?
[pulls out a few coupons] Here, give her the coupons.
The coupons?
Yeah, here.
Max, you use coupons? I had no idea.
You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator.
We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.
What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them. [Hands Caroline the coupons]
[tries to give Tanya the coupons] I— I have— [turns back to Max] I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me.
There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. [takes Caroline's hand with the coupons and puts it out to Tanya] Hi, she has coupons.
TTanya
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons? Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?
I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. [turns to Max, imitating Tanya's accent] Now didn't ya?
Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons.
Coupons are for—
Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
[Tanya scans all the coupons]
TTanya
Your new total is $12.70.
Wait. It just went from $70 to $12 just like that? The same food for less money? The exact same food? How is that even possible?
TTanya
You used coupons, now didn't ya?
Max, coupons are genius!
[referring to Sophie] Oh, my God, she's a hooker. I've been using a hooker's lip gloss.
She's not a hooker.
Oh, good.
She's too old, she's a madam. You've been using an old hooker's lip gloss.
[In the diner, after Sophie asked if the girls would consider working for her and then excused herself from the table for a moment]
I can't believe she would actually consider asking us to be prostitutes.
I know. I mean, me, I get, but you, I don't see it. You heard the guy, I look like I could "take a lot." [referring to a comment from one of the diner's waiters]
Max, it's not funny. Isn't it bad enough I may have gotten herpes from her Chanel gloss?
Of course we're not gonna do it, but come on, you'd be a terrible hooker.
Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.
Oh, just say it, you're bad in bed.
[comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef.
Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day.
Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.
I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu.
Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
[hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.