Okay, ready to go?
Do we have to? It's so hot outside. When did heat get so hot?
Stop fighting it, just give in to it. I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Um, didn't you see me crying?
Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry.
That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.
I did, I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside.
Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on!"
Are your girlfriends black drag queens?
[after Han decides to install a karaoke machine in the diner] You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.
Hipsters like karaoke.
Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler" and you've got the three worst things in history.
[Max and Caroline break into Caroline's closet in her old townhouse, and Max is amazed by it.]
What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for.
Max, it's just my closet.
Your clothes have a house!
[while taking a bath in Caroline's jacuzzi tub] I think me and your tub are going steady.
Oh, you found the jacuzzi button.
I don't know who found who but we're together now. I'm totally stealing some of these ridonkulous bath soaps.
[Picks up a bar of soap carved to look like a green seashell]
This one's shaped like a vagina.
It's a seashell.
Sister, this is a mint green vagina.
When I was 15, I paid the security system guys extra to not wire the skylight, and then I snuck out and went to Illiano Schapiro's sweet sixteen.
Cute.
In Greece.
Hardcore. I used to sneak out of the house and huff spray paint with an ex-marine.
Wait, what about the clothes?
Oh, what am I gonna do? Walk around Williamsburg in a $3,000 gown? Oh my god... wait a minute. Grab everything with a price tag on it that we can re-sell, or that you think I'd look amazing in.
[Max runs straight to the furs and grabs one off the rack setting off the alarm]
Not the furs. They're wired!
Why would you wire the furs?
Everybody wires the furs, bitch!
[Sitting next to Max on the subway wearing all the clothes they stole layered one on top of the other] This was my fave purse to take dancing.
How'd you keep it up on your shoulder when you went all mad Krump?
[Looking through the purse] Look!
[while holding up a handful of money and shouting]
Two hundred dollars!
Is not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs, you gotta make it rain?
KJKay Jean
Hola, dudarinos. Laundromat's closing early. We've rented it out for our '80s pop-up disco party. Bobby.
[Bobby hands Max a flyer of the party]
Shouldn't it be called an "'80s pop-up lame hipster will do anything to be ironic and lame" party?
Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster?
How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? I've been doing my roots with white-out.
Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like they're in on something new no one else knows about. All you need's a gimmick.
So, tell me, did you give Peach the card?
No, I didn't.
Why?
It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.
That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."
That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. "Somebody date-raped me, and I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger, and, uh, still needy."
Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. [intercom buzzes] Don't answer that. Don't you...
[answering intercom] Come on in, Johnny. Yes, I did it. I need a bed.
You are so selfish!
Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?
I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money?
Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?
You're right. We'll trash you later.
I have a surprise. I redecorated my room. I scoped out some cheap fabric in bedding places down on Houston Street. What do you think? [pulls down her Murphy bed]
I think you've made a vagina.
What?
Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.
Do you think my vagina has curtains?
I don't know how long it's been.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I don't wanna keep you awake, so why don't you sleep in my bed tonight and I'll pass out on your vagina?
Okay, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.
SSerena
All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Let's start with the cute guys.
SSStephanie and Serena
Always!
SSteve
I'm Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. I'm getting married to Michael... right there.
SSerena
So cute. God bless!
M1Michael #1
And I'm Michael.
M2Michael #2
I'm Michael as well.
M3Michael #3
Michael.
SStephanie
Oh... So many Michaels. [turns to Max] And you are?
Michael. No, I'm Max.
Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table six...tee9.
Oleg, there is no table 69.
There could be.
Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.
Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.
Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber.
[to Oleg and Han] What are you staring at? It's just clothes.
Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
Max, you look perfect for your date.
It's not a date.
It is.
No, it's not. It's booty call.
There is a fresh, white billboard. I'm climbing it with my friend, and we're putting up his artwork.
Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty.
What's that from? Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Put It In?
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