I'm grateful that Black people gave us rock and roll music. Lynyrd Skynyrd, ZZ Top, 38 Special... All those guys owe everything to Black American folk and blues musicians. I mean, they wouldn't exist without 'em, and then white redneck music would just sound like... well, what it sounded like before black people, which was the wet, sloppy sounds of fucking your sister. Okay, so that's my turn. Which one of you dumb, sister-fucking, tiki-torch-carrying, Sloth-from-the-Goonies-looking pieces of sh¡t wants to go next?
IInmate
Who the fuck are you?
You're first? Cool! Okay, wait. No, let me guess. Your favorite contribution to Black American culture was all the black guys who fucked your mom in the ass while you watched from the closet, jerking off?
[extended version from the outtakes]
Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison.
Then why'd you put him there, you fat fuck?!
Because I couldn't think of anybody else!
Well, what about Ariana Grande, or Drake?!
Brad Pitt or Payne Stewart or Doug the Pug... Khloé Kardashian, the red tiger from Voltron, Tinky-Winky, Mariska Hargitay, Mario, Super Mario, fuckin' Luigi! Yoshi, the Princess, Bert, Ernie, Grover, Snuffleupagus, Burger King, Grimace, Ronald McDonald, the two old guys on the balcony from The Muppets? Fran Tarkenton, Joe Montana, Joe Mantegna...
...Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan, Michael B. Jordan, BTS? Eugene Levy?!
Jon Lovitz? Shut the fuck up and listen, man. I'm giving you a list of people you could've done! Danny DeVito, Andy Kaufman, Jim Morrison, any one of the fuckin' Beatles! Pete Best? George Carlin.
Danny Glover! Mel Gibson! Ice-T! Ice Cube! Vanilla Ice! Elvis fuckin' Presley, Priscilla Presley... Seth Meyers! What about Seth Meyers, or for that matter, Jay Leno? Conan's not really doing much right now! Will Ferrell, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Robin Ophelia Quivers, fuckin Telly Savalas, Freddie Stroma, James Gunn! What the fuck, dude?!
Those last two aren't even things!
Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne. Bill Cosby, he just got out, he's got time on his hands! Amy Winehouse...
Dude, Amy Winehouse is fucking dead!
Optimus Prime, Shipwreck, Cobra Commander, the fuckin' cunts from Riverdale!
Alright, most of those, you're right -- could probably go to prison. But I would never put Ariana Grande in there! She looks too innocent!
Alright, next time I fucking have to frame somebody, it'll be one of all those fucking thousands of people you just mentioned!
Yeah, tell that to my dad.
Peacemaker, shut the fuck up!
Yeah, you killed someone, whoever "Murn" really was!
I needed to stop them! So I inhabited the worst person I could find. This man, Leota, he's... he's a murderer. But still, I know his thoughts. He's... Even he could have changed. I know that. I took that from him. I took his freedom and his face. And every day, I dread waking up to his memories.
[to Auggie, while punching him] You killed my brother! You killed Keith! And you're only right about one thing, I am a piece of shit! I'm a piece of shit for listening to you for all those years! I'm a piece of shit for not killing you in your sleep!
[laughs] You hit like a girl!
[Peacemaker storms over to Auggie's luger and picks it up, pointing it at him.]
Well go ahead and do it, you fucking pussy! [Peacemaker hesitates.] I knew you couldn't do it, you faggot. 'Cause I control you! Whether or not I kill you, you'll never be able to get the fuck away--
[Peacemaker shoots, then collapses, crying.]
Dude, this is a really weird time to do your face exercises. I mean, I guess you don't get a totally sick, jacked face like yours without dedication, but...
BButterfly
Why did he do that to his beard?
BButterfly
Why did he color his beard all strange like that?
He thought it made him look younger and more handsome. He never had a girlfriend, so he thought dyeing his beard might help. But he was also lazy, and busy with his job... and he wouldn't dye his roots regularly. And when he did, he used the cheapest brand because he was incredibly underpaid. Mostly, though, he never thought anybody noticed. Until recently, when one guy said it to him all the time.
[sees his phones to see Sasha Bordeaux calling him] Fuck!
BBordeaux
Why didn't you tell us Smith has some kind of superpowered duck?
He doesn't have a superpowered duck. He's got a regular eagle.
BBordeaux
That regular eagle just took down five agents. One's in the ICU. Another lost an eye. Another one needs to have a reconstructive facial surgery.
Fuck. O-okay, I'll be right in.
BBordeaux
Make it fast. [ends the call]
LLangston
He told me duck. What kind of man takes advantage of another man's bird blindness? [Bordeaux walks off] Right. [another nurse passes by] Sorry, excuse me.
