Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Alright, sheep, it's bear season. You know what that means.
Exercise caution and stay within the perimeter of the farm?
No, no, it means I gotta rub you down with salmon to disguise your scent. Come on, line up.
But Duke, that makes no sense.
Yeah. Fish forms a substantial part of a bear's basic diet.
You see, that's the kind of fancy college talk that attracts bears, mister.
Hey-hey, Duke, old buddy! We need a fifth for poker, and you're a complete suck-- I mean, I'm gonna take your money-- Hey, I mean, you know, words are weird.
[after winning the poker game] Wow, Duke, I play with a lot of great poker players, and you're not one of them!
[reading a note left by the sheep] Dear Duke, you vacuous, simpering moron.
Hey, you're not vacuous!
Our mental superiority makes it impossible to tolerate your... idiotic leadership? Goodbye for-e-e-e-e-e-e-ver.
Duke's family, I mean, he's like the crazy uncle we never had.
Right... I never had a crazy uncle.
[Flashback to a younger Abby with her crazy uncle.]
The Easter Bunny has betrayed me! We'll have to close the beaches! You can't close the beaches, we're a summer town! GET THESE TURTLES OUTTA MY HEAD, PLEASE! And, Lindy! [dances and scats]
[Pig, Freddy, and Peck are disguised as sheep.]
Morning, sheep.
Baa.
Baa.
Eh, bee-ee-ee. No, uh... Boo-oo-oo.
Sounds like a case of the nervous woolies. [drags Pig away] This calls for drastic measures.
Uh... Bonsai! Bloopity! Bollywood!
[left in a massage chair by the Farmer] Oh, hi, guys! Sweet massage chair, huh? I recommend the "oggida-oggida-oggida" setting.
Welp, there's the glue factory. I told you I knew where it was.
This ain't the glue factory. It looks like a train station.
Uh, it's a train station slash glue factory.
And when the world sees this tape on the Goraldo show, everyone will finally know that I'M NOT CRAZY! [chuckles] I'm not a... you know, a nut roll. I'm not a... kooky cuckoo-cuckoo coco!
[to Otis, about Mrs. Beady] Nice going, dum-dum. 'Cause of you, we're all gonna have to move to the Yukon!
I can't move to the Yukon! I'll be devoured by grizzly bears!
Eh, the wolverines'll probably get you first.
Good point.
Oh. Still, I hate moving.
There it is, viewers. Barn animals walking upright and talking trash.
The rooster and the ferret are best friends, Goraldo, the girl cow's kinda fresh if you ask me, and don't get me started on the wisecracking mouse.
By my lush and corpulent mustache, this is astounding!
[stuck in a split in the exercise tape] NATHAN! GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!
[After Otis switched out the tape showing the animals with Mrs. Beady's exercise tape.]
[stammering] There were talking animals on that tape, I swear.
That's what they do, Goraldo. They spin their little webs and make you look like the crazy one.
[hysterical] Ladies and gentlemen, you have to believe me!
Well, it appears that Goraldo's lack of talent has finally bitten him in the face like a poisonous snake of failure.
Th-the cow is their leader! There's a wisecracking mouse! The ferret and the rooster live together!
[at the door with two asylum officers] He's over there.
[the asylum officers take him away] I'm not insane! The talking animals are here! THEY'RE HERE!
Well, there you have it, folks. A mustache, a dancy-pants lady, and a broken dream. This has been Hard Time with Gil O'Whatever-I-Said-Before. Good night, wishing you hugs and chocolate.
Shing-ding-bloopy!
[telling a scary story] And some say, when the moon is full, or really close to full... You know, like those times when you go, "Hey, look, it's a full moon," and somebody else goes, "No, man, it's not totally full. See the edge?" And you're like, whatever, dude, I can see the whole moon!
Pip, please.
Oh, right. When the moon is pretty much full, you can still hear the shrieks of her helpless victims.
[The other animals, except Otis, react in fear to Pip's story.]
And that's why I hate veterinarians.
Pip, would you stop scaring them? I mean, you've never even been to the veterinarian.
Hey, I've never been hit by a meteor either, but I know it hurts.
Well, uh, enjoy your check-ups, folks, uh, I'll be in Guatemala.
Right behind you.
This veterinarian madwoman will KILL US ALL!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
