[Chidi, after his breakdown, is in his university classroom cooking a... very special style of chili.]
You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...
[Chidi clears his throat.]
Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
MSMale Student
Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?
All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?
[Chidi begins a moral ethics lesson more along the lines of his usual behavior.]
Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.
[The scene fades to Tahani and Jason speaking to a representative of an opera house.]
The gift will be anonymous.
[Back to Chidi's classroom.]
Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.
[The scene cuts to Tahani and Jason giving random passerbys in the streets large stacks of money. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]
And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.
[As Chidi continues, the scene cuts to an earlier scene of Eleanor struggling with the idea of pocketing the cash of a wallet she found on the floor of a bar, ultimately making the effort to seek out and return the wallet to its rightful owner. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]
Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.
FSFemale Student
Is that gonna be on the test?
Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
[Chidi's philosophy students disperse after he has alienated every single one of them, but as the students leave, Eleanor is revealed to have been in attendance.]
Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?
I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?
Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.
[Eleanor makes to leave. Chidi approaches his pot full of chili monstrosity.]
NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.
J1Janet 1
Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?
J2Janet 2
You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]
J3Janet 3
[In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!
This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?
J4Janet 4
[Points to own breasts in excitement]
[Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.
[Appears] I told you not to conjure anything!
CJChidi-Janet
Sorry, I just needed a board to explain...
Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you?
JJJason-Janet
Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up.
PPillboi
Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was.
PPillboi
[Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!
NNeil
Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this… [more details appear on screen] oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
MMatty
I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
NNeil
Request denied. [To Michael] I love Matty. He's hilarious.
Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!
Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.
Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.
No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.
Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.
When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?
Those two things have very similar smells.
Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?
I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!!
I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation.
But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath.
Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?
The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.
Can I ask you an unrelated question?
Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!
I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?
How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.
You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!
...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.
Well, of course I did, darling...did what?
All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.
In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...
MMicheal
Yeah, here we go...
In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!
That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.
Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.
But we didn't really deal with my thi-
Okay. I'll just...figure it out...
