Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.
I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.
Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.
I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.
Say "aluminum".
Aluminium.
I love that!
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.
Tahani it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho.
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.
How's it going in here?
I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.
The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.
If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans the very method we use to deem them good or bad is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.
Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.
The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?
Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.
Hey Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower!?
Do you want to chew on my ass...sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?
S-sure...
I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.
Ew! Why?
Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?
Yeah. That's exactly why.
You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.
She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.
I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?
The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?
What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?
Drinks are on me. Good luck.
[Michael has just shown on a board how the timeline in the Afterlife looks like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in English Cursive. Chidi approaches the board.]
Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?
Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.
And sometimes it's never.
That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.
[Chidi has very clearly gone insane.]
...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.
You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.
NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-
No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.
[Eleanor makes to leave, but turns around with a gasp of realization.]
You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.
Not if I see you first!
Hey. You wanna talk to God?
"God is dead. God remains dead and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?!" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
