Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Paper arrives at his family home where his family is in the living room, watching home movies]
You're just in time for home movies.
There I am, recording my first special.
There I am, practicing my kicks.
And there's Paper. Is he gonna mix those chemicals?
[laughs] You always had the highest hospital bills.
[enters with a cake] Okay, time to eat. I hope everyone like Forever Cake.
[on the phone] Lou here, ready for adventures! [disappointed] Oh, it's the dentist.
Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
We kidnapped Paper too?
Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
Paper, that's not silly at all.
It's not?
Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
Ah, that's why I should've said.
[in Bikini Bottom of SpongeBob's world] I don't think I'm in the right show anymore.
[Inside Scissors' head, he is standing on the beach, gazing at the cow-tsunami coming towards him]
[sadly] Our tradition is ruined. We don't have snacks, my friends are gone, and I'm just a cow. A big, dumb cow.
Then take off the costume.
I can't, Max. I'm only wearing underwear.
[kneels down to him] You can still get the job done. Because what do I always say?
Everybody gets down sometimes, but the important thing is to get back up, because up is the opposite of down and staying down just means you've given up, but I never give up, I only get down, because I'm Max Moonami, the guy who rides cows.
That's right.
Hey, Max… thanks.
Don't thank me, Scissors. I just exist in your head.
Wait, so I can't do it?
Uh, don't think about it. [to the camera] Quick. Zoom out! Zoom out!
[Zoom out of Scissors' head; He takes off his cow costume and sets it down on the three reserved seats for Rock, Paper, and himself, leaving him in his underwear]
Nobody sit here!
Guys, you should be happy for me. I've been searching forever to find my defining thing, and I really think this is it.
In fairness, you say that a lot. Remember when you thought your thing was being a foreign translator?
What the heck is going?! I came here to do evil, and now I'm just making smoothies!
Yes, sometimes you have to open a juice shop to fund the evil-doing. What do you think I pay the henchmen with? Words of affirmation?
Wouldn't mind it.
Scissors? What's wrong?
I can't do this.
Because you realized you don't want to hurt us and you're not actually evil?
No. It's just… [steps forward] This plan took so long. I mean, months of tedious labor for one moment of excitement? I can't live like that. I… [sighs] I don't think I have the patience to be a supervillain. I really thought this was gonna be my defining thing, but now… I just feel lost.
Hey, man, you'll find it.
[steps forward and kneels down] Yeah, part of finding your thing is finding what your thing isn't.
[smiles lightly] You're right. I just gotta keep searching. Thank you, Dreamscape.
[Rock is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and an ice pack on his head, feeling really sick]
[disgusted] Ugh, Rock, are you-- [Rock starts coughing] Are you-- [Rock coughs more and harder] Rock, are you okay?!
No. I got a nasty bug.
Hi, how ya doing?
Gross.
Hey, I don't come to your work and call you gross. You know, 'cause you don't have a job.
[sniffs sadly; voice breaking] Rock did say it was nasty.
I probably got it from working too much. Between Franz and the robot car wash…
You still work at the car wash?
I also worked at a climbing gym, but I just got fired.
You call yourselves car washers? You can't even dance!
Are those things related?
Of course, car washes are all about dancing, and you two better get your act together because Car Wash Nationals are this Sunday.
Car Wash Nationals?
Yes, a competition where car washes are judged on dancing and washing that dates back to the 1920s.
[Quick scene shows the Car Wash Nationals from the 1920s]
It's the biggest sporting event in the country, and everyone's training for it.
[All car wash employees are training for the competition]
This is ridiculous! That place has four people who are just back-up dancers and never touch the cars!
We've won the last two titles, and if we win this year, we'll be the first car wash to ever win the three-peat.
This is our chance to make the history books. [sternly] So don't ruin it for us.
Oh, man. She is blatantly hitting on me.
[Cut to the trio's apartment]
Rock!
You didn't tell us we were entering a dance competition!
I said it was an important time for the car wash. That wasn't clear?
NO!
But you said you'd cover for me.
Yeah, but we can't do this. We've practiced all day. We're not championship-level dancers!
You're telling me. I bet you don't even know the difference between a basket toss and a full-down.
Can he cover for you?
How can we have fun with it?! The stakes are enormous, and it's in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!
I feel like they're not having fun with it.
[in unison] SHUT IT, BUG! This is your fault! Get your smug attitude outta here!
[in unison] THAT'S ENOUGH! I am so sick of you! I will basket toss you outta here!
Guys, guys, relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourselves. All you have to do is learn the routine and end with the reverse triple corkscrew window wash.
Oh, man, this is the best team we could assemble? Lou, Potato, Female Birthday Cop, Creepo the Stinkboy, Sal Garbanzo, and a polar bear.
No one even knows the routine! Also, Lou told me he just had a big meal.
[stuffed] I cannot move.
Oh, great. Now we're gonna humiliate ourselves in front of the whole world. Robo Car Wash won't make the history books, and we're gonna let down Rock.
[waking up, shouting loudly] EVERYONE, PIPE DOWN!
[turns on the lights after he and his friends make hand shadows] Gotta admit, we're a pretty incredible trio.
Oh, I meant to ask… I was looking up other fun stuff for us to try. Wanna go cherry picking?
Sure!
[dumbfounded] Cherry picking?! I'd rather sleep next to a grizzly bear with violent night terrors.
Oh. Well, then--
I'd rather wear underwear made of porcupine needles. I'd rather attend a 9-hour recital of beginner violinists. I would rather run a 10K in a hailstorm, naked on hot coals, and then clean the elephant pen at the zoo with my bare hands!
My goodness!
One cherry picking trip later…
[sitting in the sofa on his phone as his friends return] So, how was cherry picking? The pits? [snickers]
No, it was so much fun!
And we really bonded!
You did?
[entering the trio's apartment with Paper] Guys! Paper and I made a cloning device!
I did nothing and she knows it, but isn't she amazing?!
Scissors, can we test it on your goldfish?
[sitting on the sofa, sadly sulking] As long as you don't hurt her. Sometimes that little fish feels like the only thing that cares about me, that listens, that lets me finish my--
Great!
[walking up to him] What's wrong, buddy? Feeling sad that you're unemployed? Or out of shape? Or--
Rock, stop guessing. [sighs sadly] I just got dumped… again. She said she didn't want to see me anymore for, quote, "too many reasons to list."
Hey, don't feel bad just 'cause a few women turned you down.
600.
Just 'cause a few hundred women turned you down. You're one of the most lovable people I know, and my life is better because you're in it.
[cheered up] Thanks, Rock. You're very good to me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
