I don't even know how I got here.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Eh. I just don't like fart jokes.
[everyone gasps in horror]
What did you say?
I don't think they're funny.
[everyone gasps again]
Not even Long Squeakers?
Butt Trumpets?
Wet and Nasties?
Ew, what? No.
[to Pencil and Rock] Guys, drop any plans you had. It's time we prove to Paper that fart jokes… are funny.
[mumbling to himself while working] Stupid Euclid. Easy to be smart when you were alive. There were only, like, three numbers back then.
Hey, Paper. What are you working on?
[turns around with an angry face] I did it. You didn't believe in me, but I created a tabletop fusion reactor that can produce unlimited clean energy!
Whoa.
Now this is a winner. The judges are gonna love it.
Yeah, and then I'm gonna hurricane kick them in the face! [karate kicks a wall and runs off]
We might have made him a little too angry.
Yeah. If he kicks a judge, he's definitely gonna lose. Then he'll be sad and angry.
[to Paper who's stomping, kicking, and growling] Paper, your invention is amazing. I'm proud of you now, and always.
[A rainbow appears from his head and into Paper's head reverting him to his normal happy self]
Thanks, Rock. I really appreciate that.
Scissors, I forbid you from sledding down that hill. It's a slippery slope straight to the emergency room. Also, don't add anything I didn't say during this flashback. I'm a big stick-in-the-mud, poopy-pants, poop-poop guy.
[runs up to Scissors who's lying on the ground] Scissors, are you alright?
[sits up] Oh, my arm.
[looks at Scissors' right arm] Looks okay to me. [sees his broken left arm] Oh, the broken arm.
[whining] Rock, I can't move it. I think it's stuck like this.
Don't worry. I got a first aid kit from Chad's Medical School. [opens the case and springs pop out of it] It's also a comedy school.
[groans]
We gotta get Paper.
No! You know Paper. He's gonna say, "I was right" like he always does, and turn it into a whole production. We just have to hide this from him until my arm heals. Are you with me?
I'm with you. [high fives Scissors, causing him to scream in pain and his arm starts throbbing] Oh, right. Your arm.
[tries to turn on the lamp but it doesn't work] Huh, bulb's dead. I should probably go to the store and get a new one. [he goes to the roof instead] However did I get here? Oh, perhaps Rock's right. It seems irresponsible to- [he catapults the lamp into the sky and laughs joyfully] I’M FINALLY ALIVE!!!! I got to find more stuff. [whistles but accidentally breaks a toaster] Whoops! Guess I gotta catapult this toaster. [accidentally breaks the chair] Oh, no! Can't sit on a broken chair… Guess I gotta catapult that too. [tries to push the fridge to make it fall] And is this fridge gonna fall? [straining] Is this… fridge… gonna… Ah, come on!
Paper, are you breaking things to justify catapulting them?
FKFuture Kevin
If you're not going to mow my lawn, I'll make you mow my lawn!
FSFuture Scissors
[while wearing a horse costume] You wouldn't hurt a horse, would you?
But we hiked up this mountain together, and I don't know to get back home!
There's no time, Pencil! There's no time for anything!
FBFlub-Bub
Flub-Bub?
Flub-Bub wants to go to Lobster Fest.
Oh, there's definitely time for Lobster Fest.
Oh, this is bad. We're gonna miss Lobster Fest.
WWaitress
I loved that helicopter ride, Flub-Bub. It was so romantic.
[Flub-Bub nods his head then tents his fingers waiting for something to say]
Oh, no. He's running out of conversation.
Quick! Feed him a line!
Uh… [touches his ear that is under a headset with his finger] Flub-Bub.
FBFlub-Bub
Flub-Bub!
WWaitress
[swoons] Oh, Flub-Bub.
[Rock, Paper and Scissors sigh in relief]
Good save, Paper. I think we just avoided a huge catastrophe.
FBFlub-Bub
[turns into a giant alien monster called a Flub-Bubby, causing the Waitress to scream and run away; in deep voice] Flub-Bubby!
Oh.
Right.
Totally forgot about that.
You know calculators are usually smaller than that, right? And don't run on someone shoveling in coal?
Whatever, it works.
Ah, Paper's such a jerk. Making fun of me just 'cause I didn't do my resolution, and also forgot what it was. Well, I'll show him. I still have 12 hours to complete it, and prove I'm not a failure.
And I'm going to help you, because my resolution was to help as many people as I can with their resolutions.
But isn't helping people what you normally do? I mean, your resolution could have just as easily been be a rock this year.
You know, you can be a jerk sometimes too.
[talking about Scissors' resolution] January 1st: Scissors sees a poorly-translated Foreign film called "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success".
BMBuff Man
I lift weight, prove I big success!
The resolution is made. January 2nd: Scissors buys every piece of gym equipment he can find and a giant tub of muscle powder. [Scissors tries to open the lid] But he's not strong enough to open the lid. January 3rd: Scissors eats an entire chocolate cake, feels badly about himself, and gives up on his resolution. And that's the end of the story. Although, there was a day in mid July where Scissors remembered the resolution and had a moment of renewed resolve. But then he ate another entire chocolate cake and felt terrible about himself.
[Scissors moans in disappointment]
How am I so weak? I ate 50 raw eggs.
You did what?!
[Scissors queasily pukes in the toilet due to a bad pain in his stomach]
Ugh, I'm gonna look like a fool! Paper makes me so mad I could just flip this… [tries to flip over the weight bench] well, maybe not the weight bench, but these tinier weights! [tries to flip them] Or at least this weight bench instruction manual! [tries to flip the manual; groans] How is this possible?! [later sits on the floor, watching "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success" while eating an entire chocolate cake and feeling horrible about himself… as usual]
[to Paper] Hey, can we talk for a second? [looks at the camera] Uh, off camera? [cut to them in his room, with the camera filming them] Look, I know I'm a failure. You know I'm a failure. But… but it's another thing for millions of people to see that on the big screen. So I'm begging you, please don't finish this documentary.
[sighs] Scissors, I'm glad you told me that… [turns to the camera] because I needed it for this movie! [laughs and leaves]
[Scissors lifts up Paper's calculator and throws it out of the apartment building and it crashes into the street, with hamsters crawling out of it before the clock strikes 12:00]
There were hamsters in there?
[to Scissors] How the heck did you do that?! That calculator weighted 450 pounds!
SRScissors & Rock
[both gasp; simultaneously] I completed my New Year's resolution!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.