[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]
Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?
[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]
B Dr. Becker
Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.
(puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.
No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
(bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!
(Following a police chase, Del angrily returns home. He slams the flat door and throws a suitcase across the room.)
G Granded
Had a good day, Del?
(Del throws his cap on the floor in anger)
Oh, good day?! Good day?! Oh, the best Grandad! The very bloody best! I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willum, almost caught rabies and it's all this dipstick's fault !
[entering the flat] Oh, he don't half exaggerate.
Exaggerate?! You should have been with me in that alley, Rodney! It was like Call of the Wild! Why didn't you warn me that copper was coming?!
Because I didn't see him!
You didn't see him?! What do you want me to get you, radar or something?!
I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.
No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a bad lookout!
[After Rodney announces he's starting a business with Mickey Pearce]
You wanna watch that young Pearcey, he's a bit too fly for my liking. He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!
Oh don't be stupid, Grandad! [under his breath] That was never proved.
Those? They are lawnmower engines.
Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
No, they're broken lawnmower engines.
Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?
No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
What you got, a Wendy House?
Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.
When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.
What? And he gives us a fishing permit?
No, he shows us the hole in the fence.
P Policeman
They called him "The Axe Murderer". He murdered a group of local fisherman. (Del and Rodney look at each other nervously) Oh well. Have a nice weekend.
It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!
Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.
(when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby) So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?
Well he could be up there, Del Boy.
Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.
Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.
Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.
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