[Inside the church hall, Captain Mainwaring and his men are continuing their lecture with tin cans and pieces of string]
Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. [Speaks through his can] Over.
MOMen on Wilson's side
Over.
MOMen on Mainwaring's side
Over.
MOMen on Wilson's side
Over.
I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own?
We're not quite ready for that, Jones.
Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir.
[speaks through his tin] Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over.
That was very good, Jones.
Excellent. You got that quite correct.
Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.
Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.
[after talking (for a considerable time) about how he had seen a curse]
DEATH! THE RUBY WILL BRING YE DEATH! DE-E-ATH!
Did the curse come true, Mr. Frazer?
Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.
Drinking game in the officers' mess: being made a Cardinal
[tipsy] Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
SSquare
[laughs] What's that got to do with it?
It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?
SSquare
It's the wrong denomination.
Wrong denomi-...nomination?
SSquare
Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.
Yes. Right. [raises his glass] Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!
You both went to public schools, didn't you?
You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.
GAGerman airman
Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! [Please, sir! Oh, please, please!]
It's no good trying to apologise.
GAGerman airman
Schnell! Schnell! [Quick! Quick!]
Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.
Video version, on Youtube
GUGerman U-boat Captain
I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.
You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!
PPPvt. Pike
[Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!
Your name will also go on the list! What is it?
[Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy [who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard]:]
When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!
Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!
Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!
Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.
[to the U-boat captain] You unspeakable swine!
The Vicar has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.
Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.
I have a very vivid imagination.
Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?
Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.
Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.
Mainwaring [To Godfrey] You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
FFraser
He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.
Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.
[Mr. Hodges, Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Private Pike go outside the church to check out the camouflaged Rolls-Royce 20/25]
You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.
Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?
Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.
As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.
I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.
I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.
[But then, a second camouflaged car comes down the street]
Great Scott! What's that?
[The sound of a honking horn is heard as the car pulls up behind Mainwaring's car. Inside it are Lance-Corporal Jones and Private Frazer]
Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.
Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.
Where did you get that car, Wilson?
Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.
Then where did that one come from, Jones?
[Godfrey comes out to speak to Mainwaring]
GGodfrey
Captain Mainwaring, I...
GGodfrey
I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.
[Mainwaring goes inside the church hall to answer the telephone]
Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?
The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission
We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.
Well, what are you going to have?
