Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[after missile explodes Benson's car]
Oh man... your car!
Car?! What car?! I don't SEE any car! Maybe it's invisible! KINDA LIKE THE CHECKS I'LL BE PAYING YOU WITH FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS!!! [walks to invisibly camouflaged house] AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOUSE?!
Yeah, about that...
All right, time for your assignments. Skips, set up the table. Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost, go buy balloons. Mordecai and Rigby, you're picking up the cake.
Really?
Yup, it's prepaid and everything. All you have to do is pick it up. Just give them the receipt and bring the cake back. That's it.
Aww, yeah!
Pickin' up the cake, pickin' up the cake!
Pickin' up the cake, gonna do it great!
Just pick up the cake and try not to ruin my big day.
I though it was Maellard's day.
JUST PICK UP THE CAKE!!!!!!!!
GAH!
Thomas; Oh, There you guys are.
Benson: (turning red) DID I NOT MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR?!! PAPA EAGLE IS OUT THERE AND NO CAKE AND NO GUESTS! WHAT KIND OF "SURPRISE PARTY" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!!?
It'll be fine! We just had a few setbacks. There was this angry woman...
And these shaggy-looking business guys...
But C.J. and Eileen helped us to make this better cake. It's just a little too big to get out the door.
But now we got this teleporter, so--
Red ARE YOU Red THIS WHOLE SURPRISE PARTY PLANNED OUT AND NOW THERE'S NO SURPRISE!!!!
But the teleporter--
Red FORGET THE TELEPORTER!!!![Benson snatches the teleporter]
No! We can still save the party!
[The three wrestle over the device teleporter which finally goes off and the teleports the cake and everyone else out of the room]
[through walkie-talkie] Bad news! Benson, come in!
[on walkie-talkie] This better be important. I'm in the middle of something.
It's the statue! It's gone!
What?! [cut to the gang standing in front of where the statue of Curtis Montgomery has been stolen; throws his clipboard on the ground, angrily] Ugh! I can't believe Gene did it again!
Wait, who's Gene?
Gene's the prank obsessed manager from our rival park. Every year, he and his goons steal the statue of Curtis Montgomery, and we have to go recover it.
Wait, who's Curtis Montgomery?
He's the park's founder. [shows him a postcard picture of Curtis Montgomery punching a bear in 1851]
Huh. So, how can I help?
Thomas, you're just an intern. You're not necessary in this one. Besides, we already have a backup plan. Suit up, you guys, we're going with Operation Alien Strike Force.
Yes! I knew we'd do one of mine eventually.
Can I come at least?
Well, we only have enough costumes for the six of us.
Plus, there's no time to brief you and this plan is air tight! You'll just be dead weight.
[Everyone runs off, except for Thomas and Benson]
Just go take a seat in my office and wait for me there, okay? I still need to talk to you when we get back.
I am necessary. I just need to prove it.
I still can't believe they didn't invite me to the park managers' formal!
You need to work on your networking skills, bro.
[Mordecai walks up to the front desk, and the concierge hands him the phone]
Hello?
Matchmaker McIntyre here, CEO of Couple Corral. This is not a recording.
Uh, hi?
We noticed earlier you deleted your profile. So sad to see ya go. We really appreciate your business, so I'm beggin' ya to rejoin.
[Talking over McIntyre's voice] Hello? Hello?
If you come back to us today, you'll get free romantic coupons. To rejoin, say "yee-haw!" To cancel, say "adios".
Adios! Adios!
[Mordecai hangs up, and the screen pans over to show McIntyre standing behind him]
Aah!
Told ya I wasn't a recording! What do ya mean "adios", pardner?
Uh, I don't need Couple Corral anymore. I'm in a relationship now, so...
Here's what I'm thinkin'. Break up with CJ.
[Angrily] Excuse me?
Break up with her and rejoin my site! [Wraps an arm around Mordecai] Couple Corral could help you find somebody better.
Dude, I'm happy with CJ.
Will you be though after we dredge through her profile? [Takes out his phone] Okay, let's see what we dig up here.
[McIntyre shows Mordecai photos of CJ with different hairstyles.]
Isn't keeping her information, like, really illegal?
You'd think. [He stops on a photo of goth CJ] Whoa! How do you expect her to be committed to you when this girl can't even commit to a hairstyle?
[Shoves McIntyre away] So? I like CJ. Now leave me alone.
[Mordecai walks away, and McIntyre glares at him menacingly.]
Is C.J. a vegetarian?
That's what you called me down for? No, Mom. No, she isn't.
Oh, good! She can have some of my prized meatloaf.
Can you just be normal?
Normal?
Yeah, normal. Ever heard of it? Let's not go nuts here, okay?
Don't worry. Let me show you the dessert. [shows him a cream pie topped with berries spelling C.J.'s name and he gasps mortified] See the berries spell out-- [Mordecai quickly scarfs the pie with his bare hands] Hey! Stop! What are you doing?!
[with his mouth full] Sorry. It just looks so good you know? I couldn't wait. You still got it, Mom!
You're lucky I have… a backup! [shows him a gelatinous dessert of C.J.'s likeness] Think she'll like it? It was hard to get all her features. Gelatin is such an unforgiving medium. [as Mordecai quickly runs back upstairs to his room] But luckily, I got a bunch of her photos off the Internet.
[2 1/2 hours later; Mordecai, his parents, and C.J. are eating meatloaf for dinner at the dining table…]
He kept running and running.
And he shoots the ball into the other team's basket!
[C.J. and Mordecai's parents all laugh while Mordecai pounds his fist on the table and groans in embarrassment]
[laughs] Oh, memories. I've been collecting them, you know, C.J.
Yeah. [playfully elbows Mordecai] I'm collecting a few interesting ones myself.
No, I mean on tape. It's called "Mordy Moments." [the words echo into Mordecai's head; Flashback… she holds a cassette reading "Mordy Moments" while Mordecai, William, Uncle Steve, and Aunt Maxine are all sitting on the couch] Okay. Who's ready for some "Mordy Moments?" [inserts the cassette into the VCR and sits on the couch with her family]
[covered in spaghetti] Pasketti everywhere!
Pasketti on your tushy.
You know, you two should stay for a bit longer. We could eat the special dessert I made for C.J., then we could watch the tape!
Now where did I put it?
I think you put 'em in the basement.
Dude, C.J. does think you're cool. But girls don't date guys who are jerks to their mom.
You're right, guys. Thanks. I needed that.
This is way cooler than a mix tape.
When I first met Hi Five Ghost, I couldn't stand him. [Flashback to South Tree High School] You see, back in high school, I was the most popular guy for miles.
[turning dark grey with anger] HOW DID I MISS THAT SHOT?! [angrily throws the putter out of the golf course, breaking someone's windshield] It was so easy!
Whoa, whoa, CJ. No need to get upset.
It's just mini golf.
Is something the matter?
I can't help taking mini golf seriously. It kinda runs in the family. [sighs] My dad is Carl Putter.
Whoa, Carl Putter? The world champion mini-golf pro?
That explains so much.
Wait, so your last name is Putter?
No, that's just his mini-golf name. Look, it's not something I really like to talk about. Growing up with a mini golf legend as your dad, well… it can be pretty tough.
You're dead, dude.
What?!
Yeah, man. Don't you remember?
[In another flashback, Benson hangs Halloween decorations on a ladder at the top of the stairs. Mordecai, holding up the beast mask, and Rigby walk up]
Benson, look at this mask!
Aah!
[Benson falls down the stairs and dies. His ghost leaves his body]
You've been haunting the house for months.
[Benson's ghost scares Rigby while he's eating cereal. When Rigby screams, Benson flees as if he's also scared. The same happens with Mordecai while he's carrying a box up the stairs. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby in the hallway, with Rigby trying to open a bottle of soda]
No, dude. It's "lefty locky, righty relaxy".
That doesn't even rhyme!
[Benson's ghost appears again. It sees Mordecai and Rigby and moans in fright as he leaves. The flashback ends]
Then what are you guys doing here? You've ruined my office!
We're not in your office. This is our office.
We got promoted!
And this isn't our office. [screen zooms out from Mordecai's face] It's a cemetery. [points down as lightning strikes] And that's your grave!
[Cut to Benson's tombstone, which reads "R.I.P. BENSON. 'YOU'RE FIRED'". Benson falls to his knees next to his tombstone]
NOOOOOOOO!!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
