[notices Biff and Bull on a handcar] Well, it seems we've been dealt a pair of knaves to go with our queen.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Biff and Bull find Schemer about to part with the handbag full of jewelry]
Goodbye, jewels.
BBiff
Nice suitcase, pal.
[Schemer, in surprise, snaps the bag shut on his hand]
BBiff
I said I like your suitcase!
Oh, thank you very much. It is nice, isn't it?
BBull
Just hand it over, mac.
BBiff
What it is, see,-- We're detectives. Private eyes. And we're on the trail of some hot rocks!
Hot rocks?
BBiff
Stolen jewelry, diamonds, pearls-- Stuff like that. We're after a lady with an English accent. She stole 'em, see? She's what we call the perp. You seen her around?
No, I have not! I don't know any English perps! Can't help you there. No can do.
BBull
Just give it here.
[he and Biff reach for the bag]
Stacy! Stacy! [smacks the thieves] Get away from me, you!
[enters with a baseball bat] Schemer, are you all right?!
[Biff and Bull stop and look up at her]
Can I help you, gentlemen?
BBiff
G'day, ma'am. We're detectives.
BBull
Yeah, private eyes.
BBiff
And I was wondering,...
BBull
You see, your friend there has somethin' that belongs to us, and we'd like it back.
Schemer?
[points at the thieves] Bad men! Bad men!
Do you have something to prove that you're real detectives? A badge, some identification, something like that?
[the thieves ponder]
BBull
Identification...
BBiff
A badge, huh? What it is, see,-- We don't hafta tell you who we are, because we are undercover.
Oh. Well, this is my station. And unless you can prove that you're real detectives,...
BBull
No, no, no, no, no, no. Like he said, see, we're under-the-covers.
Oh. Well, I suggest that you leave.
[Biff and Bull laugh]
BBull
Who's gonna make us leave, huh? What, you?
[holds up her bat] That's right! [inches toward Biff and Bull] Now, this happens to be my station. I am the station manager. And I'm not gonna ask you one more time... to leave this station!
BBiff
[intimidated] We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!
[he and Bull retreat]
[mockingly] "We'll be back, pal! We'll be back!" Run! Run! Run, you little chickens! Run! [laughs] You and me, Jonesy.
Schemer, what was that all about? What's an English perp?
No, no, no, no, no, no. A Schemer burp. [burps; gasps] Excuse me, Miss Jones! [apologetically] Excuse me, Miss Jones. Excuse me.
[he sets off]
[exasperatedly] Oh, Schemer.
[Biff and Bull build a smoke bomb]
BBiff
Old sneakers.
[Bull hands him an old pair of sneakers; Biff adds them to the mixture]
BBiff
Old socks.
[Bull hands him an old pair of socks to add to the mixture]
BBiff
Rotten broccoli!
[he holds out his hand, but Bull stays still]
BBiff
I said rotten broccoli. Hey! [hands his partner a clothespin] I told you to wear one of these, ya dope!
[Bull puts the clothespin on his nose]
BBull
Sheesh.
BBiff
Now, rotten broccoli.
BBull
[hands him an old head of broccoli] It's so gross!
BBiff
Well, of course it's gross! It's supposed to be gross. [adds the broccoli to the mixture] When this stink bomb goes off that that talent show, those jewels are gonna be ours!
[both men laugh maniacally and continue preparing the smoke bomb]
NNarrator
Somewhere lost in the clouded annals of history lies a place that few have seen—a mysterious place called the Unknown, where long forgotten stories are revealed to those who travel through the wood.
[sees Woodsman off] Shoot. Y-you think we should've asked him for help? [Greg shrugs]
BBird
Maybe I can help you. I mean, you guys are lost, right? [Wirt gasps, slaps his face]
What in the world is going on?
GGregory
Well, you're slapping yourself, and I'm answering your question, and—
No, Greg, a-a bird's brain isn't big enough for cognizant speech.
BBird
Hey, what was that?
I mean, I-I'm just saying, you're-you're weird. Like, not normal. I-I mean... oh my gosh, stop talking to it, Wirt.
BBird
It?
Uh, I-I-I'm—
[appears suddenly] What're you doing here?! Explain yourselves!
BBird
[flies off] Aaand I'll see you guys later, bye.
Calm, calm down, mister! Wh-whatever you do here is your business! W-w-we just wanna get home with all our legs and arms attached!
These woods are no place for children! Don't you know the Beast is afoot here?!
The Beast? W-w-we-we-we don't know anything about that! W-we're just two lost kids trying to get home!
Well, welcome to the Unknown, boys. You're more lost than you realize.
The mill is destroyed... the oil! All gone!
But look! We, w-we got the beast problem solved. [points at the dog]
That dog?! That is NOT the Beast! The Beast cannot be mollified like some farmer's pet! He stalks like the night. He sings like the Four Winds. He is the Death of Hope! He steals their children and he'll... ruin... [mumbles]
You're always messing up, Greg.
Boy! You have it backwards! You are the elder child! You are responsible for you and your brother's actions!
[Greg finds the talking female bird trapped in bramble in a bush]
Oh, it's you again. I'm stuck. Help me out of here, and I'll owe you a favor.
GGreg
Whoa! I get a wish?
No, no. no. Not a wish. I'm not magical. I'll just do you a good turn.
GGreg
Can you turn me into a tiger?
Um, no. I just said I'm not magical.
GGreg
It doesn't have to be a magical tiger.
You guys find this place as creepy as I do, right?
So it's some kind of weird cult they wear vegetable costumes and dance around a big thing. They seem nice enough.
Okay, you're in denial. That's fine. But I'm just saying, something feels off about this place.
[Wirt and Greg are confronted by the large sentient pumpkin called Enoch]
EEnoch
Now, let's see here, boys. How'd you end up in this little town of ours?
Well, we were trying to get home. We came into town from the woods. Uh, we saw your farms and your houses and thought, "Hey! Here's a normal place with normal people."
GGreg
And we both stepped on pumpkins!
Yeah, a-and then we heard the music from the barn, and, well, uh... H-how about we just leave?
EEnoch
Now let me get this straight. You come to our town, you trample our crops, you interrupt our private engagement... and now you want to leave?
[nervously] Uh... yes.
GGreg
You'll never convict! You have no proof! [the Elder Pumpkin holds Beatrice in his straw hands]
EPElder Pumpkin
This one's trying to escape!
Let me go! I don't know these clowns!
EEnoch
Children, it saddens me that you don't wish to stay here with us, particularly because I simply have to punish you for your transgressions.
I told you this place was bad news!
EEnoch
So by order of the Pottsfield chamber of commerce, I find you guilty of trespassing, destruction of property, [lowers itself down to approach Wirt and Greg closely] disturbing the peace, [darkly] and murder.
[shocked] Murder?!
EEnoch
[chuckles] Oh, no, not murder. But for those other crimes, I sentence you to... a few hours of manual labor.
[surprised] Wait, what? Really? That's it?
GGreg
[singing] Oh, potatoes and molasses
LMr. Langtree
[bursting into the room] That's enough!
Um, Beatrice, w-why are you pretending I'm this guy's nephew?
We need money.
You're scamming him?
I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him.
What? No way.
Why not? We already stole a horse.
FFred
Hey, guys.
No, we didn't. Fred's a talking horse. He can do whatever he wants.
FFred
I want to steal.
But, well, I-I have this crush on this girl.
Mmm-hmm.
That's all.
That's all?
And I think about her lot, and I play clarinet.
Wirt! You've got to be kidding me.
And I secretly whisper poetry to myself in my room at night.
Wirt, That stuff's not weird. Those are just--[sighs]--well, the poetry thing is weird.
GGreg
[singing] Oh, we're going to the Pasture to meet Adelaide and ask her if she has a way to send us back where we came from.
[singing] But as for where she is, she is where we will go.
BBoth
To Adelaide, to Adelaide. C'mon and join the Adelaide Parade. Adelaide, To Adelaide. We're going to Adelaide's house today.
Boy. Finally going home.
GGreg
Wirt, drum me!
Okay.
GGreg
[open his eyes] Are we good?
[breathes deeply] I think so.
Wirt, sometimes you have to face your problems. Turn yourself in and get kicked off this boat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.