“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Lt. Columbo

$6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.

Oh. [adjusts figure]

Lt. Columbo

$6.75?!

I forgot the iced tea.

Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?

What's a Bouncing Betty?

Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.

[looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.

[intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?

Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wandering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.

Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.

That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.

Lt. Columbo

Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?

It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?

Lt. Columbo

Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.

Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.

Lt. Columbo

That's probably it. His subconscious.

Lt. Columbo

In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.

Lt. Columbo

For $100,000 you don't kill off Rock Hudson.

Lt. Columbo

He's involving you in murder. Was that part of the deal?

Not making much progress, huh?

Lt. Columbo

I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.

What's his name?

Lt. Columbo

What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.

Lt. Columbo

The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.

I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.

Lt. Columbo

Some people say I'm snoopy.

So all you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Lt. Columbo

It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.

Lt. Columbo

That first day I couldn't give a hoot in hell about a thief. I was looking for a cigar smoker and there you were.

May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Tommy Brown

And what if your devil quits? What are you gonna do?

Tommy Brown

You're a sanctimonious hypocrite of a Bible-spouting blackmailer and I've given you your last chance to be fair!

Tommy Brown

And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on, everything?

Lt. Columbo

No sir. No sir, it's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.