The only reason I have a high school degree is 'cause of a very special principal, who let me just play bass and drink beer and smoke dope because I told him I'd cut his eyes out if he didn't let me graduate.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Nathan! I have your test results.
Aww, you open it, I... I can't stand the pressure.
Let's see here, okay, uh... it's a, uh... zero. No questions were answered.
Awww... DAMN! SERIOUSLY?!
How could you... not have known that?
Do you think you're better than me?
I took the liberty of writing your Harvard commencement speech.
[Still angry] Thanks!
[reading the speech] Harvard... solutions... solutions to you.
[whispers to him] Salutations!
I don't need this stupid speech! [looking out at graduates] You think you're smart huh? Think you can come up here and take a piece of this? Huh? Any of you? You? You? Listen, Harvard. I'm a billionaire. And most of you are gonna graduate, and move back in with your parents! I'm gonna tell you somethin', though. We have something in common: we're all gonna die. No matter whatcha' do, no matter whatcha' do with your lives, you're dead! You're dead! You're dying. You're gonna die, all of you, dead. You, dead. You, dead, all of you. You, lady? Your tits will be eaten by maggots, in just a few short years. So here's my message, my message to you, a very simple message: Go forth. Go forth, and DIIIIIE!
TATV Announcer
William Murderface has been on the stage for about 45 minutes. The word is "technicality" and it's his first word of the night. It's kind of an ironic situation when the word is "technicality" and he is technically already out because he used his first letter - "p" - which is uh... not a letter in the word. He decided to, uh... very confidently speak out before the word was finished being said.
Technicality. P-i-s-s, fuck you! [flips off television camera]
Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]
[takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!
[responds lethargically] Huuuh?
...
Maybe I'm not perfect?
At least you're not the fattest ugliest lead singer alive [holds up magazine cover] with horrible skin!
Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
Wha - where are we?
MPMashed Potato Johnson
We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
My GOD, I have let myself go...
You have put on a few pounds lately -
You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
The blues.
Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
'Dis here where the blues began. Right here where we standin' Blind Harlan Davenport killed his wife, bury her in that chicken coop right there. That night he recorded "Wife Gone on a Funeral Train Blues." Next mornin', the po-lice shot him in the eye 52 times... [later] This is where Smokey Toe Brown was savagely beaten for sleepin' wif his neighbor's wife, shortly before he recorded "Train Leavin' This Station Blues". They say his ghost come back to life and kill his neighbor, pitchfork his intestines and hung them on a tree... [later] Everybody knows Shorty Turlingtop made a deal wif the devil. He was hit by a train at this exact spot. As his head traveled in the air, he wrote "Blues Train Blues".
Alls they sings about is trains!
Is there anything else really to talk about? Heh heh. Come on...This here's where Mustard Tits the Murder Master Brown slaughtered 22 men just for bein' ugly, heh. He went on to record "Here Come That Train A-Comin' Blues".
Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.
Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!
Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!
Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!
Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!
Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Academy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!
Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.
Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
[Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
That's close... one more time, try to play this!
[He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
Yeah, it's hards!
Alright, let's try somethin' else.
[Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
[Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
BDBlues Devil
I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
BDBlues Devil
Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
[holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
This will do just fine!
Dirty worthless hippies!
This guys is way too happy!
Make them wish they was never born! Give the blues!
Somebody slap my sunburned back. [William smacks his back, and yells in agony] I can feel pain again! ...I'm ready!
[haltingly] Ares - yous - alrights - to drive?
Nyeah he's fine...
Ohhh... a bass.
Yeah, I figured... you know, you play bass so uh -
Oh thanks, thank you. Jus' put that over there -
Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
Thank you.
And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
Oooookay.
AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.