[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]
JJeff
This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me.
Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair.
JJeff
Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne.
[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]
SShmebulock
Shmebulock.
JJeff
Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?
SShmebulock
[nodding "yes"] Shmebulock.
Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is.
AAnnouncer
Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel.
[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]
Gimme that back or I'll-
Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this.
Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.
Right away, Mr. Pines.
Soos? What are you doing here?
Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]
You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was!
Hey, I'm here for you, dude.
The entire lower half of your body is on fire.
Shhh, we're having a moment.
Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say.
Not this guy again.
Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon."
He’s more honest than you.
Yeah! And he’s psychic too.
How’s this for psychic? BAM! [kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside] Take a good look.
Wait a minute? Is that me? [on the monitor] The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee.
TToby
And me.
DDoctor
[on the monitor] I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting.
EEveryone
That’s me! That’s me! That’s me!
That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now?
[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]
Gideon, we gave you our trust.
MDManly Dan
You lied to us.
Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me?
Tyler?
Get him. [sniffs] Get him.
Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs.
[Durland handcuffs him] What?! No!
Just one more thing!
[Stan picks him up and shakes him] Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack] I believe this belongs to me.
[gets loaded into a police car] No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers!
SShandra
There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford?
The Mystery Shack is back, baby!
Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.
[Stan skims through the book]
I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. [laughs] Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies.
But it's all real.
Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this?
Wait, no. Grunkle Stan.
"Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous. [leaves with the book]
Stan, I need it!
Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.
Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.
I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?
Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon.
CCrowd
Boo!
Please, please. Boo harder.
PAgent Powers
My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town.
TAgent Trigger
[pointing at Stan] Activity!
"Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking.
PAgent Powers
I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor.
[laughs nervously]
PAgent Powers
I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth.
This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," [gasps] "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra!
Listen kid, you do not want to hear this voice sing. Trust me.
Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible together.
Dipper, what is the one thing I asked you not to do tonight?
Raise the dead.
And what did you do?
Raise the dead.
[fighting zombies] All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME!
[Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film]
GGirl
What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead.
BBoy
Far worse, Trixandra. They're NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!
[Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!"]
Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies.
They're slow. Just power-walk away from them.
How much do you want to bet the guy dies first?
[On the TV...]
CChadley
Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot!
[Dipper and Wendy laugh]
Chadley ain't pretty no more.
Oh, man. Was this place built in the past or the future?
Yeah, this room is way creepy.
Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history.
[Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room]
They sure are taking their time in there.
Didn't Dipper say something about a monster?
Oh, no. I thought he was joking.
You know Dipper's jokes are terrible!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.