Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[about Stanford's new boyfriend] So, what does this Marcus do?
Okay, before I tell you, you have to promise not to judge.
Do I judge?
We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts. We judge.
I'll be kind.
He's a dancer. Radio City Music Hall.
I feel as though my hands are tied.
If I walked in on you, giving a blowjob to a Worldwide Express guy—
You would never walk in on me, because that is something I would never do!
There! And I cannot believe that you would judge me, after everything that we've been through.
Samantha, where are you going?
I'm gonna splash some water on my face, and then I'm going home. And I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever, and blow whomever I want, as long as I can breathe and kneel!
[about Jack Berger and his girlfriend] He should have mentioned her earlier.
But not too early. I hate it when men do that. "I have a girlfriend." Calm down, I just asked if that seat was taken!
I didn't tell Walker I had a baby.
How could you not mention it?
It didn't come up! If Walker had asked me directly, "Have you given birth recently?" I would've said, "First of all, define 'recently.'"
[about Nina Katz] Damn! Why is that girl still bothering me?
Honey, you have to let it go. If I worried what every bitch in New York was saying about me, I'd never leave the house.
[after Carrie asks her to help Miranda with her baby] Babies are not my scene! And from what I've heard, this one sounds like an asshole.
You can't call a baby an asshole.
Why not? She called it a meatloaf.
It's times like this I wish women could go to male prostitutes.
Women do.
No, no, only in bad screenplays and first novels.
That is an incredible investment idea. We should open a brothel where the men are cute and the sheets are 500-count Egyptian cotton. Samantha, you can be the madam.
Well, at least it's something new.
We could put one in every neighborhood, like Starbucks.
Starfucks.
How can a person have really hot S-E-X with someone they don't even like?
You're spelling "sex" in a place with a go-go boy on the bar?
I'm serious.
Why? Oh, my God, Char. You?
I don't know what happened! He's my divorce lawyer. I don't even like him!
So? Some of the best sex I've had is with people I can't stand!
[after Carrie's flamboyant friend announces he's getting married to a woman] I thought he was gay!
Uh, yeah, "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle"? That has to be the gayest sentence ever uttered.
He must be marrying her for the money!
He doesn't need the money. He was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line.
Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle."
All married couples stop having sex eventually.
That's not true. You've had sex with plenty of married people.
That's how I know!
I love the stock market. A room full of screaming, sweating men all trying to get it up.
I don't invest anymore. It's too volatile.
Exactly. I like my money right where I can see it—hanging in my closet.
It's all gotten so sanitary! I mean, no smoking in bars. What's next, no fucking in bars?
Well, first there would have to be a no-fucking section.
Did you finally bugger Berger?
How long have you been waiting to say that?
It just occurred to me.
Yes, we finally buggered.
[clapping] Yay!
[to Charlotte] You realize you're now applauding intercourse?
[about Carrie's disappointing sex with Berger] Dump him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.
Is that the saying?
That's my saying.
Someone should tell Crazy that owning a hot glue gun does not make you a hot purse designer.
[whispering] Don't call her crazy!
Look at this. I'd rather carry a colostomy bag.
Ladies, these aren't bags, they're baggage. We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship. And it was one ugly breakup.
I resent this. The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
