Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[after learning Carrie had an affair with Big] It's all about the pheromones. We're all just animals reacting to each other's smell.
I have a non-married, wonderful boyfriend with all his hair, waiting for me, who smells great.
Don't beat yourself up. Aidan hasn't said "I love you" yet. Until he does, you're a free agent.
What is that, "The Rules According to Samantha"?
See? I'm more old-fashioned than you think.
I'm gonna tell you something. There's two types of guys out there—the ones that hold your hand, and the ones that fuck you.
[voiceover] And I'd slept with both of them in the last 48 hours.
And the guys that fuck you aren't worth a damn. We're all alone, Carrie. [starts crying]
[after telling Miranda about her affair with Big] I want everyone to get out of this without anyone getting hurt.
Well, that's realistic.
Why not? You've heard those stories about affairs where people realize how great their other relationship is and end it without anyone being the wiser.
I don't watch Lifetime Television for Women.
The pink Post-its are for the gowns I kinda like. The green Post-its are for the gowns I kinda really like. And the yellow Post-its are for the gowns I don't know if I like. Here.
Kill me, please. Just take a sharp object and drag it across my throat.
Stop. Miranda, you take Modern Bride. Samantha, New York Bride. [hands Miranda and Charlotte bridal magazines]
And I'll take what, Annoying Bride?
Here, Carrie. Page 211. Pink Post-its. Tell me what you think. [hands Carrie a bridal magazine]
Okey-dokey.
[looking at a magazine] Ooh! Cute purse!
No purses! There's no time for purses! This is gown-specific!
What's your theme again? A Nazi wedding?
I'm just saying, as a lawyer—a partner, no less—I got zero dates, and as a stewardess, I got one for tomorrow night.
I believe the correct term is "flight attendant".
Not if you wanna get laid.
Honey, it doesn't matter what you say you do. It's how you say it. For example, "I'm in PR". Translation: "I give great head".
[after the wedding] I finally get to sleep with Trey.
Excuse me?
You haven't slept with him yet?
Honey, before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive!
I wanted to save myself until we got married.
But, sweetie, you're not a virgin.
Well, I am in this relationship, and I think it's romantic.
Yeah, it's romantic until he can't figure out where to put it in.
So how are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Great.
[Pause]
I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.
Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
You win. So, should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?
I've got something to make you feel better. [hands Carrie and Miranda packages]
Oh! Dildos before 10 am. I'm all perked up.
They're autographed. One for each.
My friend went to California. All I got was this lousy dildo.
Could you please put these back wherever they came from? People are staring.
Please, it's LA. No one cares if your egg whites have a side of cock.
[to Samantha, who's offered to take Charlotte to a Playboy Mansion party] Why would that cheer her up? Does she look like a 22-year-old frat boy?
Nothing surprises me anymore. Apparently, in LA, house-sitters are somebodies and New York writers are prostitutes.
Oh, sweetie, you're at least a high-class escort.
Thank you.
Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you.
I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it.
[describing a sex fantasy with Trey] I'm a fairy princess in a forest, and I'm riding on a unicorn. And suddenly I see you—a pirate in buckskins, a prince in disguise. And that's when you pull me off my unicorn. You tear away my gossamer petticoats, and you put your Schooner deep inside my Rebecca. Now you. Where are you?
I'm in hell. I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't do this. I'm a respected surgeon.
They're starting to die on us.
Oh, my God.
Well, at least you weren't stood up.
35 and they're dying! We should just give up now.
Well, on the bright side, this could explain why they don't call back.
How did he...
Heart attack. At the gym.
See? This is why I don't work out.
We've been trying, you know, to...
Fuck?
Whatever. And it's just not...
Getting big and hard?
What is this, dirty Mad Libs?
This is insane! I'm married, I can't be looking at gardeners!
Honey, what's the point of being in the suburbs if you're not gonna fuck a gardener?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
