I can only stay a few minutes. I've got tickets to The Vagina Monologues.
Why?
Just because I don't eat at the restaurant doesn't mean I can't hear the specials.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Magda, what I don't need is another mother. I have one in Philadelphia, and that's close enough. I need a housekeeper, who will clean my apartment and stop judging me because I'm a 34-year-old, single woman living in New York. I drink coffee, and have sex, and buy pies and enjoy battery-operated devices.
UEUpper East Side woman
I also head up the committee to match mentors with underprivileged children. It would be wonderful if you'd be willing to work with some of our kids who want to write.
I write about sex. Is that something they'd like to learn, these kids, writing about blow jobs and stuff?
I once dated a guy who liked to wear my underwear, but I've never gone the other way.
See, when you're gay, everyone can wear everyone's underwear.
That's hygienic?
You know, that generation is all about sexual experimentation. All the kids are going bi.
So what? If all the bi kids are jumping off a bridge, you're gonna do that too?
I'm a "try-sexual". I'll try anything once.
You shouldn't be talking like that at all, Samantha. It's rude and politically incorrect.
Sweetie, a reminder: Samantha is rude and politically incorrect.
She's an equal opportunity offender.
Precisely. I don't see color. I see conquests.
[after her date's sister harassed her because she's white] Talk about politically incorrect! She can't diss me just because I'm white!
Please tell me you didn't say "diss."
Maybe you should stop seeing him, Samantha. Race is a very big issue.
No, there is no reason to bring race into this. Chivon is a sweet man. We have great sex, and he happens to have the biggest—
[interrupts loudly] Black cock! We know, he has a big black cock!
I was about to say "biggest heart." But now that you're so interested, yes, he does have a big black cock. [smiles contently]
[voiceover] If you're a 30-something woman living in Manhattan, and you refuse to settle and you're sexually active, it's inevitable that you'll rack up a certain number of partners. But how many men is too many men? Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?
[on the phone] They practically chased me with torches like I was Fuckenstein.
Oh, relax, they can't evict you for having sex.
Of course not. They're just jealous. They're a bunch of dried-up old farts who haven't had sex since Eisenhower. And I remind them of what they can't have. [sigh] It might be time to move.
No, you can't move! You have a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper East Side.
Honey, this isn't rent control, this is life control.
Steve is completely predictable, but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe.
Are you dating a man or a minivan?
Read into it what you will, but my new favorite thing to do on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry, and I have never been happier.
Your relationship is my greatest fear realized.
Maybe I'm mistaking falling into a rut with intimacy.
How often are you guys having sex?
Often enough. But it's totally generic. We've got every move down pat. It's more like a race to have an orgasm than anything else.
Still, it's nice to be a contestant, isn't it?
Sure. I know what you mean. We whine when we don't have a boyfriend, and we whine when we do.
Do you know what I read? That if you don't have sex for a year, you can actually become revirginized.
And, I would imagine, quite frisky.
But isn't that great? You can erase your whole sexual past and start again.
Who wants their virginity back? It was bad enough the first time.
Do you have another?
Ladies, I am not Tampax central. Put on list: Buy tampons.
Well, I have them at home, but they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.
Wow, Kate must have a tiny vagina.
Well, let's just say it: You won.
Was there a contest?
Oh, please! There's always a contest with an ex. It's called "who will die miserable?".
[to Adam] You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing. Now, having said all that, with the right man it can be fabulous. That is, unless the man in question has spunk that's like a trip to the rotten egg buffet.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.