Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Oh, shit! I totally spaced. I forgot to buy her a present. How tacky is it to give the mother-to-be a fistful of cash?
Oh, don't worry about it. [picks up a bottle of Scotch] You can go in on mine.
You bought a pregnant woman a bottle of Scotch?
The invitation said BYOB.
That meant "bring your own baby."
I just realized... maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in "Hansel and Gretel"—she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it.
They say the average 33-year-old woman has sex 3.5 times a week. I'd like to know who that woman is.
[to a heckling construction worker] You got what I want? You got what I need? Well, what I want is to get laid. What I need is to get laid. I need to get laid!
[after announcing she met a guy she's in love with] I'd totally given up on the idea that you could actually talk to men.
Hey, don't spread that around.
Before James, all my conversations consisted of two sentences—"give it to me" and "go home." And I owe it all to Charlotte.
Me? What did I do?
All that bullshit you spout about not sleeping with men right away actually paid off. I mean, if I'd fucked James already, who knows where we'd be.
Wait. You haven't had sex yet?
Soon. You know... I think he's someone I could actually marry.
Samantha, that's great.
[voiceover] The idea that Samantha could possibly get married before she did shook Charlotte's beliefs to the core.
[crying] James has a small dick.
Aw... Well, it's not the end of the world.
It's really small.
How small?
Too small.
Well, size isn't everything.
Three inches?
Well...
Hard?
Is he a good kisser?
Oh, who the fuck cares? His dick is like a gherkin!
It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.
I always like a good math solution to any love problem.
How did it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It's like seventh grade with bank accounts.
That can be a turn-on.
Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate, and I can't. I never could.
Why not?
Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate—if not preferable—to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No, thank you.
Just keep talking about his big cock.
Correction—his big, beautiful cock.
We're using the "C" word now?
[Samantha and James are in a couples counseling session]
Your penis is too small!
Excuse me?
It doesn't... and it just... it can't. And I can't. And it's... it's just too damn small.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big? [gets up and leaves]
What can I say? I need a big dick.
I hear that.
I'm sorry, if a man is over 30 and single, there's something wrong with him. It's Darwinian. They're being weeded out from propagating the species.
Okay, what about us?
We're just choosy.
Forget it. I'm not dating anyone who is known as Mr. Pussy.
Why not?
Well, maybe I want more than that.
Oh, sweetie, if a man is good at that, there is nothing more.
Amen.
Orgasm, major thing in a relationship?
Yeah, but not the only thing. Orgasms don't send you Valentine's Day cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.
Mine do.
Is he that bad in bed?
No, he's just... He's a guy. They can rebuild a jet engine, but when it comes to a woman... What's the big mystery? It's my clitoris, not the Sphinx!
I think you just found the title for your autobiography.
You know, it's really not their fault. They don't come with a manual. If I had a son, I'd teach him all about the vagina.
If you had a son, we'd call social services.
Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient.
I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
