“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

[sulking] And thus the nightmare begins.

[to Lucy] So, the bad news is you failed the test. The good news is, I'll let you try again tomorrow. The other bad news is, that's your last shot. If you blow it, you don't pass the fourth grade. But hey, look on the bright side… I could be your gym teacher for the rest of your life!

48, 49… [accidentally swallows his whistle]

I'm mortified. How did all of you pass the exam and not me?

All I can say is thank goodness for those SS Fun Time samba classes.

And Boris is aerodynamic because of his hollow bones.

Haiku

There must be some way to help you pass, Lucy. What about your sister, Lynn? Isn't she…"sporty?"

Too sporty, I'm afraid. She'd make me do torturous things, like… sit-ups. No, I need something fast and easy. And that means doing what the Morticians Club does best.

Magic!

Morpheus

Complaining.

Both answers are valid, but I meant magic.

[gazing at Persephone's spellbook; amazed] Ooh! I'm lovin' your new spellbook, Persephone. Nothing like real dragon leather.

A birthday gift from my parents. It came in the Sassy Sorceress kit.

This next plan should be foolproof. If I make you older, you won't be in fourth grade. Hence, you won't have to take the test. [twirls her wand, casting a magical energy ray onto Lucy; however, it instead turns her into an infant, to the Mortician's horror]

Waah.

Whoops, wrong direction. [tries again, but this time, Lucy is changed into an old woman, from her earlier vision] Whoops, too far. [tries to change her again but she stops her]

I have to pee before you change me back. [slowly walks out of her room to the bathroom] Can't hold it like I used to.

Haiku

[takes the bottle out of Persephone's hand and reads the label; noticing something] Um, Persephone, didn't you read this label? "May cause dizziness or lizardness."

[stunned, then fed up] Next year, I'm asking for cash for my birthday. [kicks away the sorceress kit in annoyance and hurries off, catching up with her fellow members]

[panting while catching up] Hear me out, what if we don't turn Coach back? No test for me, he suns himself on a rock all day. Win-win. Sigh. Worth a shot.

Darcy

Hey, Lisa. I wanted to invite you to my birthday party on Saturday! You're my bestie, you have to come! [gives Lisa her birthday invitation]

Of course, Darcy. That's what besties are for, at least according to the latest sociological studies.

Darcy

Yippee! Have you seen Petey? I want to invite him too.

He's over there, recovering from his contribution to science.

[landed in a sandbox; groaning weakly as he sits up] I'm okay!

Darcy

[runs off] Thanks, bestie!

[opens the invitation and gets her face covered in confetti] Mental note: Invent confetti defense shield.

[as Lisa digs around in her drawer in the closet] So, should I decline Darcy's invite and liquidate it?

[sighs] No, I can't do that to my bestie. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hmm. Maybe I can clone myself so I can be in both places at once. [gasps] Or cryogenically freeze Darcy so she doesn't age, thus eliminating the need for her birthday party. Now, where did I put my freeze ray? [looks at Todd, wearing her glasses and wig; gasps] Todd, that's an even better idea! You can disguise yourself as me and go to the party while I go live it up with Dr. B.

There is just one problem. I am way taller than you.

Eh, a minor setback. I'll take care of that. [takes out a drill and a pair of safety goggles]

Gulp.

And we are finished! [gasps] It's like looking in a mirror.

Twinsies! [he and Lisa high-five but stumbles and the glasses almost fall off] Whoa!

You'd better not move around too much, we wouldn't want your disguise to fall off like that mid-party. [gasps and takes out her tablet] Ooh, I also cloned my voice. Let me upload it to you now so you can give it a try.

Ahem. [talks in a slightly tone of Lisa's voice] Hi, I'm Lisa. I have a high IQ. I think I'm so much smarter than everyone.

Eh, a tad sassy, but accurate. Just to be safe, I'll be monitoring you with a camera and speakers. With this tablet, I can see what you're seeing. If you get into any figurative hot water, I can coach you via this earpiece. [puts it in her ear, under her hair] With these precautions in place, it's almost like I'll be there. I'll be the virtual life of the party.

I have arrived at the destination.

Excellent. Mission is a go.

Darcy

[approaching] Lisa, you're here!

[imitating Lisa's voice] Of course. I couldn't miss the celebration of the anniversary of your birth. [exclaims as Darcy grabs him by the hand and drags him over]

[satisfied] Ha. I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, I need to figure out which one of my fecal matter study slides I want Dr. Brown to autograph.

[swings the bat and hits the piñata so hard with a sonic boom, and candy rains down; imitating Lisa's voice] Apologies. Perhaps I over-engaged my core.

[relieved] Phew, good thing they were too distracted by sweets to notice your super human strength. [firmly] Just do not let it happen again.

Self-drive mode, to the medical center. Pronto!

[mishearing] Did you say, Toronto? Taking you to Canada.

No, no, no, no. No…!

I love a happy ending. Self-drive mode, take me back to my place.

Taking you to space. Activating thrusters.

What?! No! [blasts off] Lisa!

Hey, Flip. What's up?

Flip

The price of Flippee's in my cholesterol. See ya, chiefs. [Nacho immediately stops him and begs him to take an umbrella, sensing that it's going to rain; speechless] Take an umbrella? What, you got brain freeze? [walks outside] There's not going to be anywhere up above a white and normal future and eternity cloud in the future and eternity sky. And Patchy Drizzle said it'll be nothing but sunshine today. [only to be proven wrong when the rain clouds come in and pour rain, then gets struck by lightning; weary] See? Nothing but sunshine. [falls flat on the ground]

Hey, Nacho. We're going on a field trip to the Royal Woods Tar Pits today. We wanted to know how to dress.

Patchy Drizzle says sunshine again, but after yesterday, we want a second opinion.

Flip

Hey, Nacho says, "Hold onto your keisters, it's gonna be windy."

We must bring a light jacket.

This is Katherine Mulligan. Traffic was backed up for miles on I-75 when an ice cream truck collided with a marshmallow truck. Talk about a rocky road! [chuckles] And now for the weather with our very own Patchy Drizzle.

Thanks, Katherine. I'm seeing a cold front coming in from the east... [a hooked cane appears in front of him; confused] And a hook coming in from the west? [gets pulled away]

[gets a cue from the producer; bewildered] I've just been handed some breaking news: Patchy Drizzle has been fired. Say hello to our new weather…man... Nacho? [Nacho now stands in front of the weather report wall, wearing a suit; chitters hello and pulls out a winter coat, then he tosses it over to her, who falls out of her chair; gets up with the coat wrapped around her] I believe he's saying it's going to be cold… [gets hit in the face by a snowball] and snowy today.

Flip

Hey, Drizzle Boy, I hired you because you know I felt sorry for you. But I ain't payin' ya to stand around! [leaves]

[sighs; stands up and salutes] Right, boss. [grabs a microphone and speaks into it] Attention, customers. We've got a storm front of Nacho-themed snacks coming in! There's Nacho Flippees, Nacho jerky, and of course, Nacho nachos! And don't forget the Nacho plushies.