You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
About the campaign, I had an idea.
[handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.
Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."
I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.
You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."
Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...
No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.
No matter how dumb they are.
GIGuy in boat
Hey, I voted for you!
Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!
We need to pick a number.
No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.
I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.
Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?
Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Yes, ma'am.
Right. But they do not own me!
They really don't, ma'am.
No, they don't!
Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.
[holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
You know what "trim" is?
Yeah?
It's twat.
MMelissa
Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.
Well how do take care of the roots?
MMelissa
Oh, these are synthetic.
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
MMelissa
We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".
Well that's a job well done.
I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
Well, in a way they are.
No, they're not!
Okay, I take your point.
I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Down the hall, to the right.
I hate this fucking place.
JTJoe Thornhill
[on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
[to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Got my vote.
You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.