[regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! Wow, that guy is ruthless!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.
S1Statistician 1
You're like Neo.
Wow.
What's a Neo?
S1Statistician 1
He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.
S2Statistician 2
The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.
Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
[to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been "No."
[to Statistician 1] You take your eyebrows, and you get out!
[briefing Selina] Some U.S. backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan. Uzebekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.
[very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
No.
No?
I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
[on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.
[to Jonah] You know what, why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the fuckin' point, Jonah?
Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?
We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Seriously?!
Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
That's a good one, Mike!
Yes, ma'am.
POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!
Oh, for fuck's sakes...
This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.
Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.
Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.