Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! [To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!
Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.
Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.
Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you to lie.
I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move this back? Don't answer it!
Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.
[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!
I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.
[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!
I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.
RReporter
How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?
They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their walls for bees!
I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster!
Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.
You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I for one am sick of it.
