I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?
T Tynnyfer
No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some pills]
...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
T Tynnyfer
I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up where do I get that?
Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?
T Tynnyfer
I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better!?
T Tynnyfer
Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. Must.
[cut to April being interviewed]
She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.
Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?
Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.
She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.
Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.
Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.
Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, with your tiny little doll feet.
Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster!
Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?
[still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking like so much forever!
T Tynnyfer
It's all so delicious!
T Tynnyfer
This is like the best day ever!
I know I'm eating it all up!
Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower...
Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!
How crazmazing is that Les!?
Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!
Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?
Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! AND IT'S INCURABLE! ...Also, I have eczema.
Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I think Craig's gonna have to go.
No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.
Huh Donna. I'm right here.
No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.
What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?
I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver...
I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to!
[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts]
What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?
[still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.
[Everyone storms out]
Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better!?
What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
ER Eagleton Ron
Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.
ER Eagleton Ron
No need to curse.
Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.
So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're not "Ann pretty" but you have potential.
...Thank you but I don't work in this department-
Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie.
[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers]
Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.
I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!
Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.
[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie]
Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best friends attack Ron!
[Everyone looks very confused]
Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?
I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!
Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.
Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically hot betrayal!
We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall Knope? Don't."
Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"
...Yeah that's a much better idea.
Can I have these question mark stickers?
I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]
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