I wrote a book. The First Historical Guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
...One could say that...but should one?
Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like your phones?
[while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.
I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.
In what way?
In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.
After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Pawnee!
We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!
[music starts and dancers come out]
Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!
I could leave. I could, but I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, dammit! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE!
WWoman
I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to know the truth about where you were born.
Okay. Well-
Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many of you were actually born in Pawnee?
[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand]
..Fair enough.
No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.
OOld Lady
If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?
Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-
MMan
Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you came from!
I am back from where I came from!
MMan
That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!
When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.
...That never happened.
So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?
Santino and I are actually divorcing.
Oh...
It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.
That's a...powerful metaphor...
Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.
Is she going to powder her vagina?
Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]
Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.
...The internet.
I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?
Prison.
How's your sister doing?
She has the shingles.
Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
Alf.
[cut back to Ann being interviewed]
And nine seconds with Ron.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]
You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring with you?
Silence...
...
So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.
Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.
[pause]
[drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.
Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort, probably.
Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature.
And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.
Thank you Andy.
Brother Nature.
To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."
[applause]
And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"
Oh. I wasn't competing for that.
I'll say!
Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.
It's not a competition.
Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!
I have no problem with strong women Leslie!
[still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my haird...
What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
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