“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Now pay attention! Skater McGee does NOT repeat himself!

What was that?

I SAID, Skater McGee does not-goddammit.

[holding a unicorn book] Man I wish unicorns where real. That will be so cool. [yawns] So, cool. [falls asleep, then a unicorn comes to the widow and neighs. He wakes up, rubbing his eyes, then peers out his room] Oh my gosh, they do exist!

Come with me! Let's have fun adventures together!

You don't have to ask twice! [riding on the unicorn] Woo-hoo-hooo! Wheee! It's everything I've ever dreamed!

In the magical land of unicorns, there's no need for clothing!

Whatever you say! [begins pulling of his shirt]

No, no, no! Take it off slowly. [the Nerd takes his shirt off slowly] Yes, that pleases me. [grabs the Nerd's pants and throws them on the ground. The Nerd laughs] Polish my magical unicorn horn!

Okay! [does so]

Oh, yeahee! Oh.

And then what happened?

If you polish his unicorn horn long enough, it gives you magical unicorn mayonnaise! Which I used to make these sandwiches!

Jesus

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

[as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] J.K. Rowling.

Cor blimey! Are you an angel?

I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion American dollars!

I had an idea about a boy wizard.

No! Your books will be about uh-a magical raccoon with an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!

Thank you, I'll start right away!

Haha [placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

It's Moses, he's back!

God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.

Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?

...No.

Didn't think so.

Number one: He who smelt it, dealt it. [everyone laughs] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [the time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel]

I...uh...I-I walked into a door.

Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?

What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.

Heh heh...Douche.

I love you. You love me.

But I'm not in love with you.

Fred

Eh, Barney boy, this is the life!

You said it, Fred. An entire civilization not wearing underwear, you gotta love it!

Fred

Now, who could that be? [Barney laughs; opens the door] Yeah?

Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazonaboulder.com-pebble. [Fred stares at him, confused; sighs] Look, sometimes the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy, you want the package or not? [leaves]

Fred

[reading the letter] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S., I invented paper. Bitchin!" [looks over to Barney, who tries to sneak out with his box of Fruity Pebbles] BARNEY, MY PEBBLES!! [rushes over to Barney and tries to snatch the Fruity Pebbles away; Barney manages to escape from Fred with the cereal]

[laughing] You can't catch me, Fred! [Fred tackles him, and starts punching him in the face. Then he grabs nearby a club and hits Fred in the head with it. A cracking sound is heard and Fred falls down on the floor; laughs] Hey, good one, Fred, good- [then he's shocked to see Fred's lifeless corpse, which is a mangled mess. Blood pours out from his head] Uh-oh. [dissolve to him, burying Fred's dead body in his backyard, using a bird as a shovel] Dammit Fred. I just wanted some of your [bleep]in' cereal.

Oh, his head always was full of rocks.

[gasps] A witness! [kills the bird by breaking its spine over his knee, then runs back into the house] WITNESES! [we find more animals as household appliances] THE DISHWASHER!

My goodness Cretacious!

THE RECORD PLAYER!!

He's off his rocker!

THE BIDET!!!

Oh, man, the things I've witnessed...

Is he stone-cold crazy?! You bet Jurassic!

NO MORE PUNS!!!! [stuffs the pterodactyl into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly, as the camera spins around him]

So, he's trying to sell me a tampon, but I said, "It's just a rock!", and he says, "Well duh, everything's a rock!"

Betty

The nerve of some people.

[gasp as they see all of the dead animals, including Dino who is nailed to the wall] OH MY GOD!!!!

Oh lord, please don't stop him before he kills me.

Fruity Pebbles are an important part of this complete breakfast.

[now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker] I love you, you love me.

Either way, it's 50 bucks.

[in prison; sobbing] I love you... [sniff] You love me...

Damn right.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Bad dog. [gunshot]

I don't know...maybe if we use some toys?

[enters the room] Oh yeah. Gonna finish the job. [using a large drill-like, phallic-shaped sex toy emerging from his chest] I'm about to tame that ass.

[fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk. [throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.

[sigh] I'll get my coat.