“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

In 1961, the CIA secretly relocated the Loch Ness Monster to Lake Eerie and replaced her bones with titanium. She was then bit by several werewolves, giving us the ultimate anti-submarine weapon.

Got it.

But the Soviets smuggled in a leprechaun who turned Nessie's bones to silver, giving her the were-version of AIDS. She sank to the bottom and we assumed she was dead, but she was only asleep. Now she's awake, and hungry!

You can't date my shrink.

What? Bro! You're nuts!

Then don't date my shrink.

I'm not dating your shrink! She probably doesn't even like me...

Stand down, Sanchez!

Tell him to stand down! Would you let him bang your therapist?

I don't believe in therapy!

W- What the hell does that even mean?! You don't "believe in it"?

He's a Scientologist.

Don't date my shrink! And don't be a space Mormon!

Why not?!

It's silly! Sorry. It's a cheap shot. Worship how you want. I like Tom Cruise...?

Thank you.

Therapy is working...

Keep it in your pants.

I need Unity's help, so you need to convince her I'm worth it.

You aren't.

So lie.

I called you multiple times! You ghosted me!

Rick, is that true?

She dumped me. Why would I answer her calls?

All right, I'm going to commit a cardinal sin in couples' therapy here, but Rick? I think you're wrong.

Bringing you was a mistake.

You had an outer space lady who was worried for your life, and your response was hostile enough to cause a huge problem.

Thank you.

Now you're asking her to both forgive you and solve it? Unity, I think the reason Rick brought me here is that he doesn't know how to indicate to you he's changed, because he's changing very slowly. But he is.

Rick, I gotta know, like, w-- what's the secret ingredient-- [he stumbles across Rick scooping spaghetti out of a man's entrails] God, no, why?! Why? No! Why is it always this shit with you? O-- Of course it's a person! Rick! Why couldn't it just be spaghetti?!

Jerry

They were delicious!

So keep eating them!

Jerry

We can't now!

Because of you! Sorry. Morty. That was terrible parenting. You did the quote-unquote "right thing". We are technically very happy to be better informed.

Jerry

First octopus, now this. Have we thought about just giving up and joining the fascist half of the country?

Jerry

Is this people or not people? I-- I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.

You did it, didn't you? You couldn't change everyone's taste buds, but you could make it... distasteful. It wasn't the death, was it?

It was the complexity of life.

God, what was the point?

If you're asking whether this was a story about right and wrong, the answer is... "I don't care."

So what do we do?

Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, and that means death is right. But you can't side with that, so you live, even when it means eating. And Fred here really did it well.

Another adventure where I went up an ass!

Oh, good, are we having this fight again? L-Let me guess: You're gonna leave, or-- or throw a sulking fit?

You think you know everything, Rick, but you're-- you're basically just a giant eight-year-old!

I'm not doing this anymore! Either you're in or you're out, Morty! I-I'm tired of you weaponizing this half-assed threat! You want out, then fucking quit!

You know what? You're right. Sorry to be such a high-maintenance Morty. W-Why don't I get you a drink?

[burp] O-Oh! Oh, hey, Morty...

Hey, Rick. You drunk yet?

You're my little buddy, [burp] you know that? I-It's-- It's you and me, Morty. Uh, Rick-- Rick and Morty, one hundred years, forever!

Yeah, pal. Rick and Morty. A hundred years. Forever.

Ge-Get off me! What are you-- What are you doing?!

If you're seeing this, you're me - except, you know, less. But you acted like you were better, so I killed your beloved Diane. Partly to devastate you, mostly so I only have to record one message. Some of you may have noticed that it's not just your Diane that's gone. She’s also been erased from every universe across infinity. And you might be wondering why.

I'd rather hear how.

Diane was wiped from all existence by the Weapon Too Cool for a Name...

The Omega Device.

...known to inferiors as the Omega Device.

I heard the name from an inferior.

Honestly, wife guy? I do miss when it was just us -- the only two Ricks who actually invented portal travel. Anyone else keyed up to arrive later? Like your car?

I can see why you hate him.

And she sounds like our wife! Li-- Like in a fucked-up robot way, but that's definitely her voice. You sentimental little fella!

I upgraded this thing, by the way. This new version can fire more than once. So now I can erase your family, one by one, until you finally learn your lesson! Which you won't, so then I'll kill you too... I'll do that the old fashioned way. Okay, family-killin' time! Let's start small - still family, though.

Where am I?! Two Ricks?! Where's my wife?! I was just with my wife!

Uncle Slow!

What the-- "Uncle Slow"? Slow Mobius?

Yeah, this one hurts me, too.

[slow motion, tearing up] NOOOOOOOOO!

[mouthing in slow motion] What the fuck?

Kind of the worst possible time to use his powers! He just made the death happen slower!

I'LL KILL YOU! [charges Rick Prime]

Okay, I think I'm getting the pic-- [gets shocked by a device linked to his forehead] OW! Frying my backups. Smart. So you're, like, an "Evil" Morty? A clever one? [gets shocked again] OW! All right, never been a sidekick guy, but I'm starting to see the value. You want a job? We could be like Batman and Robin.

Eh. I don't need a Robin.

[gets shocked again] Okay, seriously, what is this? Wha-What, are you gonna "aw jeez" me to death? [as Evil Morty accesses the Omega Device] Oh, you don't want those schematics, buddy. Those are for grownups.

Uh-huh. [drags in a mangled Rick and revives him]

Oh, isn't this great? Okay, all right, I get it.

[coughs and groans] What? [sees Rick Prime] Oh shit...

[nodding] Mm-hmm. Knock yourself out. [leaves]

Listen! Rick to Rick - he's got the weapon plans. Buddy! Nip this in the bud! He's fourteen, what's gonna happen the next time he gets mad at Grandpa?!

[laughs] Let's do this, then!

You're welcome, by the way! I made you! I showed you infinity! And what did you do with it?! Hang out with my grandson?! Raise echoes of my daughter?! [laughs] What's your life without me?!

Let's find out.

[coughing and laughing] Admit it! You would've been me! I just walked into your garage before you walked into mine! But eventually, you did! YOU LIVED IN MY HOUSE!

There's our guy.

Rick! I-Is it over? I-Is... is he...?

Not exactly an "alive" amount of blood. How's it feel? Better? No? Exactly the same? Yeah, it always does. Hope you're happy with your choice.

Fuck off!

I'm gonna. Just don't force me to improve on the design. I can end the Rick experiment any time I want.

Why threaten? Why not just do it?

Because using a weapon like this doesn't get you left alone, Morty. Think I want a bunch of vengeful Summers coming after me? You are a little different though, Rick. Maybe I can use that someday. [activates a yellow portal] Seriously, though – fuck you. Don't come after me. It won't go well. [leaves through it]

Don't grift a grifter, Morty; I have friends in cosmic places.

Halt, unidentified adventurers!

We are the guardians of this sanctuary! One of us tells only truths. The other only lies.

You ever fuck this guy's wife?

Yes. Well, how about that, he guessed right...

[lifting his axe] I forgive you!