“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they?

Summer

I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. [to the baby] Whoa! Easy there, Naruto!

Eat my ass, BP! You're down here bailing on the rest of us because you don't want to process your grief and shame like a normal person: by drinking and mistreating strangers!

Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and feline activity - but I must ask...

I-It's fine, you don't have to--

Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"?

Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid--

You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save yourself.

[after an awkward pause] Fair enough.

I will see you when I see you. [flies away]

Jesus Christ!

You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive?

They don't pay us to think, Phil.

No, you're right, sorry.

[spinning the "Wheel of Things Better Than Morty"] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!

Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!

You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.

I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: two crows. Note I didn't say three!

[on Rick's roulette wheel] What is that?

Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing.

But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene with Donkey Brains", "Half a Paul Giamatti" and "Sentient Shit"!

I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid?

Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that--

Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit!

Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" [chuckles dryly] It's funny, except it's not.

Cool place you've got here. Very "Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic".

So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?

[sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.

B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?

No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.

Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?

You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.

Oh. [wipes tears] Oh.

Here. [hands over his portal gun to Morty] I want you to have this.

Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.

Thanks, Morty. [starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Oh shit! Rick and Two Crows! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! The Rick and Two Crows Show! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! Rick and Two Crows, forever!

You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?

You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meet demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an admission of need. There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty – he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive.

Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there.

They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die?

Well, what are you doing about it?

Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too.

Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?

There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling.

Mr. Poopybutthole

But then I guess I stopped.

Mr. Poopybutthole

'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, [he walks back over to the stove] ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Wish I didn’t do that.

Mr. Poopybutthole

Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it?

Mr. Poopybutthole

We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee.

Ugh... I guess this is how it ends. I thought I was better than this. Dramatic voiceover while stranded in space? I-I guess when you're dying, the first thing to go is your creativity. Citadel's gone, and the saucer we escaped in is out of power. The extra Mortys went feral. [some Mortys are shown ganging up on and devouring another] Eh, some problems solve themselves.

Been drinking a lot... [to Morty, annoyed] Morty, I told you to write this down! I-I don't have a helmet like that Avengers guy did! [facing the viewer again] Been drinking a lot of my piss. Portal gun's still broken...

[unsuccessfully testing the gun] I guess that was all part of Evil Morty's plan.

"Evil Morty" - c-can we stop flattering this guy?! His plan was to monologue and fuck off! He basically threw a tantrum to announce he was quitting Twitter.

Nobody quits Twitter. Hey, remember, like a second ago, when you pretended to not know who Iron Man was? Who was that for?

Sh-Shush, shush, Morty. This is how we go. Bear it with grace. [as Morty lies down next to him] Spinal cord, Robitussin as a base, then surprise me.

Mom!

Beth, maybe!

Is she trying to say something? [yells] W-We can't hear you! How dumb are...?! Beth, you're in a vacuum! Sound travels on air! Why am I yelling?

Wow, great.

Yeah, that's... wow. Really worth it. That was not worth it! It's corny! [gesturing, while Morty gives a thumbs down] You, corn! Dying of starvation here!

Oh my God, stop explaining! Stop explaining!

Are you finished?!

She's not finished.

Oh, nice.

Oh, real mature. R-Real classy.

Oh shit...

Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!

Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.

Jerry

[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.

Rick, are we about to die?!

[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.

Jerry

That's totally dying!

No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.

Back to our original universes...!

I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?

Summer

[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...

Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".

Summer

Every file is "Booger AIDs"!

I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".

Jerry

[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!

There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!

Jerry

So there was time to explain.

Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--

Summer

"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".

Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.

Jerry

[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!

Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?

Jerry

How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!

Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.

Deep cut. [all three vanish]

Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?

Summer

Buried in the backyard.

That's what the possums are after...

[sighs after an awkward silence] Yes, Morty?

You promise I'm not, you know... bait? T-To make that Rick come back?

What? M-Morty, for you to be bait, the guy'd have to value something. He truly does not give a shit. He's the... real deal.