Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Do you understand time dilation?! I'm losing a month a second out here!
There's an alien army out here shooting people! What am I doing?!
It's a small group of alien terrorists. Just do a Die Hard.
What does that mean?!
Sneak around, use air vents! You've never seen Die Hard.
I'm seventeen! No, I've never seen fucking Die Hard!
Well, neither did the guy in Die Hard, so good luck!
I'm not gonna risk dying, because if I die in the game, you go braindead. You're welcome.
Better to die in Roy than to serve in hell!
Seriously, you two?! What the hell did you do in my holodeck?! Holy shit, you... you did a full "San Junipero" in here?! Oh my God, Beth, there's masturbating and then there's masturbating!
You'd know, old man.
Eww, Dad, stop! I'm sorry!
[groans] Look, this isn't my business, and by all means, enjoy being sapphic horse girls together, but you suck at doing it secretly! We all know!
Including Jerry?!
No, Dad's so in the dark that he's enjoying a video game about being in an affair right now.
If you guys are doing this, you got to tell him!
Okay, little man, back off.
Take it easy. They're right.
Right about what? That we have to be twice as considerate and twice as repressed because [towards Rick] some dick split us in two? This is the shit I left! [pulling Beth towards her] This isn't. This is me. This is the me that doesn't tell you all to fuck off. So allow me: fuck off. She'll tell her husband what she wants when she feels like it. And you can deal with it or you can deal with me, but you should know I have all the Predator weapons.
[Short silence]
Works for me.
Fair enough.
That's cool.
[leading them away] I guess it's time for ice cream.
You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. [eats and reads] All right. "Hard work often pays off." Lame.
[reading hers] "Family time is time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.
Okay, mine says "Family time is time well..." Oh man, I got the same one?
Boo.
What's your stupid 21st century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?
"You will have sex with your mother."
[Jerry gets surprised, awkward looks from the family and everyone else in the restaurant]
Why are you dressed like Morty?
Because Morty's mom is Beth!
I'm not unpacking that...
[scans himself with his probability meter] Okay. I'm just as likely to shit a balloon as I am to become a dolphin.
Those are things that could happen?
Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else.
[After the dinosaurs eliminate the world's jobs, Beth tries unsuccessfully to play a horse-based game of Operation]
Ugh! I can't even pretend to feel useful in a game! This is how humanity's story ends?! Relieved of duty and sat at the kids' table?!
I gotta respect these dinosaurs. They dominated a whole species just by calling its bluff about wanting more free time.
They didn't even dominate us, because we're not worth a fight to them. We've become biological Tyler Perry movies.
All they've done is help.
We didn't need their help! We were not the problem! This house recycles! [notices a Velociraptor sorting their rubbish outside and shouts at it] THEY SORT IT AT THE TRASH FACILITY! [the raptor shakes its head disapprovingly at her]
[on her phone] What the "F"?! My dance videos are getting, like, zero likes now!
Oh yeah, the dinos kicked pedophiles off TikTok.
Great, so now I'm broke?!
You don't need money anymore.
So what's this for now? Phone calls?! Ugh! [throws her phone against the wall]
[to Rick] Oh, come on, Dad, you don't hate this too?
Why would I? I-I was already doing what I wanted. I do think it's kinda funny that you're all basically Jerry now.
Beth ... Fuck!
[Beth, Morty and Summer go to Jerry as he lies around in the living room]
Jerry, how do you do it?
Yeah, Dad, how do you do it?
How do you do it, Dad?
Huh?
How do you do it?!
[amazed] It's finally happened!
[After the dinosaurs teleport Rick and Morty back to their garage, in a process that shows their clothes, skin, flesh and bones being briefly separated]
Ah! I saw my bones!
Doctor Manhattan high-road assholes, teleporting ME?!
Why-- Why wasn't that painful?
They didn't even do it right! My-- My-- My fly is down!
Your fly was already down.
[Rick takes the portal pistol the dinosaurs gave him to a machine and crushes it]
What are you doing with that? Rick, it was a better--
Nothing from them is better! That thing had uptight Zen snob germs all over it!
Guess what? Dinosaurs are not secretly evil, and they're not out to cause anybody trouble. But it turns out trouble has a way of following them. [releases a small robot from an envelope]
Oh, yes, yes, yes! It's showtime! [projects images of craters from the other planets]
Literally every planet with dinosaurs on it is eventually smashed by a huge space rock that takes out them and most existing life.
What? That can't be true.
It's all right to be frustrated. Let me explain. Why would planet-killing meteors follow dinosaurs? As these reptiles evolved to higher and higher levels of loving vegan godhood, another lifeform devolved into an equally selfless, hate-filled species of barely sentient rocks. They hurtle through space and do as much damage as they can to their chosen enemy, which is guess who? Yup, everywhere these dinos go, these rocks, they come a-crashing, and this one... [the meteor is shown, speeding through space and babbling angrily] is headed directly towards us!
And all of our work? It was for--
Nothing! Bingo! Welcome to life. It's a big boat with a lot of holes, but we're all in it together.
[After Rick gets the dinosaurs to go against their selfless philosophy to destroy the meteor]
All right, welcome back!
You obnoxious little TWAT!
Yeah, but you're alive. No David Foster Wallace-ing in my galaxy. You don't get to be so smart that you remove yourself from everybody. From one god being to another, you're welcome.
Well, as long as we're doing each other favours... [activates a machine that fires a beam]
Hey, w-wait, wait, what are you doing? [the beam seals the dimensional rift] YOU FIXED MY RIFT?! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL COCKS! I-IT WAS ALL CANONICAL AND SHIT, WE COULD'VE MILKED THAT THING FOR A WHOLE SEASON! O-O-OR, LIKE, A THREE-EPISODE ARC, AT LEAST!
Sorry, that's just us. We love helping, god beings to god being.
[A sleep-deprived, unshaven Jerry sits at his laptop]
Is Dad okay?
Yes, I'm just... writing my second book. I don't know what it's gonna be about, but I can tell you one thing - the title is "Jerry Smith Presents: A Book By Jerry Smith". Chapter one... [about five seconds of silence pass] FUCK!!!!!!!
It's worse than you think, Morty. We're basting in meta radiation right now. Our credibility is being permanently eroded. Every second we spend here is the equivalent of ten Space Jam cameos.
Not so fast, Sanchez. It is I, Cookie Magneto!
What the fuck? I'm... I'm not engaging this guy. [starts walking away]
That's hardly up to you, Rick.
I'm sorry, do you control things that people agree are cookies?
Yes.
Okay, but cookies aren't a substance. They're more of a name w-we give to--
To the things I control.
Do you control cookie ingredients? Because, y'know, t-that sounds dangerous. Y'know, everything has sugar in it.
Fight me and find--
[He screams in agony as Rick suddenly melts him with a laser]
JESUS, RICK!
I'm sorry, Morty, I know you're gonna say it's punching down, but I can't fight another one of these 90s-style goofball supervillains! I'm not the fucking Tick! I-I-I'm exhausted.
Okay! But i-if you really have a lot of these guys gunning for you, maybe you should look into what you're doing to...?
Oh, don't start that crap, Morty! I don't do anything for these dipshits to seek me out.
[teleports in] I am Mr. Calypso! Face me, you ugly, drunk, ugly piece of shit!
Okay, I might look into it.
Rick, why is there a man shooting piss on our front lawn?
I'm sure he'll tell you.
I am Pissmaster! Here to flush the toilet that is Rick Sanchez!
He's spraying my lavender bush! My bees need that lavender!
Remember five seconds ago when you guys were stoked about me changing, because it made you feel superior?
[peering through window] Ooh, whole family's here! Who's that redhead? Wouldn't mind spraying her with a golden shower!
Oh, my God, what?!
Hey!
Okay, that's it! [stands up]
Jerry, please think about this. If you fight this guy, I'm either an asshole for not helping, or an asshole for helping.
My daughter just got spoken of in porno terms, and I'll respond how I choose! [marches outside]
Wait! Morty, you have to promise not to tell anyone, but your dad made Pissmaster kill himself.
Oh, man, what?!
Yeah, I mean, I found him dead and I-I put on his suit, but look at this - he literally blames your dad. [gives Morty Pissmaster's note]
Holy shit... Wait, you kept the suicide note?! That's so messed up!
I know, I mean, I had to tell someone, Morty. I couldn't just sit on that--
And you expect me to?! [runs into the house]
Morty, no! What are you doing?!
[Jerry screams, and the rest of the family run into the garage]
What the hell?! He KILLED HIMSELF?!
Jesus, Dad, you should've told us! Especially if Jerry murdered him!
Wait, don't say that! I-I didn't murder!
Hey, I-I thought it was pretty cool that I withheld that information.
But you didn't withhold it! You're walking around with the note!
Yeah, Grandpa, you gotta, like, keep it in your heart as a great sacrifice. That's the cool move.
I mean, how am I the bad guy? He sprayed piss on us! Y-You all cheered me on!
Don't drag us into this.
A man is dead, Dad.
Again, wasn't gonna say it, but I told you this would happen.
Oh, get off your high horse.
Dr. Wong would be so proud!
BOO!
Go ahead and boo! I was breathing piss, you think I care?
Is this what it's like to trend? [sobbing] This is a nightmare! I should've just let him pee on my daughter...!
Eww! What the hell, Dad?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
