That's why the barrel and the chamber were clean when Ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter! I never figured on a converter.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
BKDr. Bart Kepple
In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.
What's that, Doctor?
BKDr. Bart Kepple
That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.
Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.
BKDr. Bart Kepple
I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.
And that's a tough nut to crack.
BKDr. Bart Kepple
That's not tough. That's impossible.
Can anyone confirm that?
NMrs. Norris
No.
No one at all?
NMrs. Norris
Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.
Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.
NMrs. Norris
With nobody to prove it.
Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.
NMrs. Norris
Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.
I believe that.
NMrs. Norris
You do?
Yes, ma'am.
NMrs. Norris
Why?
My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.
NMrs. Norris
Thank you.
You're welcome.
BKDr. Bart Kepple
I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.
That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.
[Waiter hands Columbo a check]
$6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.
WWaiter
Oh. [adjusts figure]
$6.75?!
WWaiter
I forgot the iced tea.
EKEddie Kane
Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?
RGRiley Greenleaf
What's a Bouncing Betty?
EKEddie Kane
Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.
RGRiley Greenleaf
[looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.
RGRiley Greenleaf
[intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?
RReceptionist
Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wandering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.
RGRiley Greenleaf
Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.
RReceptionist
That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.
Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?
DCDavid Chase
It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?
Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.
DCDavid Chase
Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.
That's probably it. His subconscious.
In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.
For $100,000 you don't kill off Rock Hudson.
He's involving you in murder. Was that part of the deal?
MCDr. Marshall Cahill
Not making much progress, huh?
I've got something. But, uh, motive-- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.
SSSteve Spelberg
What's his name?
What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.
The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.
MNMargaret Nichols
I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.
Some people say I'm snoopy.
MCDr. Marshall Cahill
So all you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.
It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.