“"Black Bush" (April 14, 2004)” quotes from Chappelle's Show

After carefully examining the region me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely ripe for regime change...but if I can be real about it?

Be real, son.

Real?

Yo be real real, son.

He tried to kill my father, man. I don't play that shit!

Yo say word he tried to kill your father, son.

(grabbing boom mike from above): THE NIGGA TRIED TO KILL MY FATHER!!

(referring to the UN) UN, you get problem with that. You know what you should do. You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh! wait a minute! You don't have an army! So I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up! That's what would I do if I don't have an army, I would shut the fuck up. (leans towards microphones on the podium) Shut. The. Fuck. UP!. That's right! Kofi Annan, I ain't takin' orders from an African. You might speak sixteen languages, but you gonna need them when you in Times Square selling fake hats.

I got a coalition of the willing. I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!

Like who?

Who the fuck said that? Huh? Huh? Like who? England. Japan's sending Playstations. Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. So, I'm not doing this by myself, and I'm not disrespecting the UN, even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches! I'm trying to get that oil...[coughs, trying to cover up saying oil] hole!

The nigga bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?! ALUMINUM!!!! That don't scare ya? Fine. I didn't wanna say this. The muthafucka bought some yellowcake. Ok? In Africa. He went to Africa and he bought yellowcake.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, bitch!

U.N. [United Nations], you got problem with that? You know what you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh! wait a minute! You don't have an army! So I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up! That's what I would do if I don't have an army, I would shut the fuck up. [speaks into the individual mics at the podium, one word at a time] Shut, the, fuck, up!. That's right! Kofi Annan, you think I'm going to take orders from an African? You might speak sixteen languages, but you gonna need them when you in Times Square selling fake hats. And I know fake Gucci when I see it, nigga I'm rich!

[asked if the motivation for war is oil] What? Huh? Oil? Who said anything about oil bitch, you cooking? Oil? [tips and spills a water pitcher onto the table, runs out of the room] Come on y'all, get out of here!