Sam Axe quotes from Burn Notice

Michael

Hey, can I borrow your car?

Sam

Where ya going?

Michael

Uh, just to the store to get some yogurt.

Sam

[chuckles] Come on, Mike. Fiona calls, whisper whisper, all of a sudden you gotta have yogurt? What's the big secret?

Michael

No big secret, just looove yogurt.

Sam

If I lose my pension, you're gonna be changing my diapers when I'm 95 and drooling.

Michael

Sam, I would never let that happen. I'd smother you with a pillow first.

Sam

What happens then? People start shooting. We lose, we're dead. We win, we've got three dead bodies, a traumatized girl, and spots on the F.B.I.'s Most Wanted List.

Fiona

I've been on plenty of those lists. It's not so bad.

Sam

Hey, Mikey. When you read this guy's profile you're gonna kiss me.

Michael

I am not gonna kiss you, Sam.

Sam

Look, I'm not saying I'm gonna like it. I'm just saying you're gonna kiss me.

Sam

Mike, I saved your ass at the warehouse, the least you could do is have some decent beer in the fridge.

Michael

Next time you plan on saving my ass, tell me before I go to the store.

Name's Cristo. Like Madonna, the whole one name thing.

Sam

Like Charo.

Sting.

Sam

Fergie.

Pelé.

Sam

Spider-Man.

Liberace.

Sam

...Crap, I can't think of any more.

Sam

He heard that she had a boyfriend who could help.

Michael

He heard that she had a boyfriend that could help.

Sam

I was vague. I said I was a freelance superhero Robin Hood kinda guy.

Michael

That's vague.

Sam

Here ya go, Doug: my lucky vest.

Michael

It'll look great over my shirt.

Thanks.

Sam

It's a little worn, but it'll do the trick.

Are these bullet holes?

Sam

Yeah, I broke it in for ya. Just think of it like a seat belt.

Fiona

Yeah, a seat belt that smells of bourbon and Old Spice.

Sam

How do you want to handle this?

Fiona

Well, I think the balls are in your court.

Michael

That'll kill you, you know?

Sam

[referring to the gun] Yeah, no kiddin'.

Michael

No. The bucket of trans fat you've got there.

Michael

Seems the people who burned me want me for a job. For now, that's all I got.

Sam

A job? Does it pay?

Michael

More of a "we'll kill you if you don't do it" type of thing.

Sam

Ah. Never liked those.

Michael

That stalker happens to have a MAC-10 in his jacket! Oh— you knew, didn't you?!

Sam

Mike, look, I did a little pre-scouting; I knew he was packing, but I didn't know he had a MAC-10. I thought it was, like... a regular gun.

Fiona

Zeke is one careful con-man. He's security conscious, he's smart... smooth, too, in a cheesy, Sam kind of way.

Sam

Hey, smooth is smooth, baby.

Sam

"Daddy"?

Fiona

Bet you never thought you'd hear me call you that.

Michael

Do you love her?

Sam Axe

She could be the one.

Michael

Then say yes.

Sam

It's complicated.

Michael

[slowly] Then say no.

Sam

[sarcastically] You're a good friend, Mike.