Brass Eye quotes

Well, we live in very drugged-off times. I've seen mothers chasing children down the street - who's to say they're not going to inject them with drugs once they catch them?

If time's a drug, then Big Ben is a huge needle injecting it into the sky!

Cake is a made-up drug. It's not made from plants, it's made from chemicals... by... sick bastards.

Luckily, the amount of heroin I use is harmless. I inject about once a month on a purely recreational basis. Fine. But what about other people less stable, less educated, less middle-class than me? Builders or blacks, for example. If you're one of those, my advice to you is leave well alone. Good luck.

Ted Maul

Loser Street. Look at all the feckless dregs.

Ted Maul

A London alley. A body. Looks dead, but it isn't. It just wishes it was.

Ted Maul

The personal organizer revealed a chain of rich clients for organs and limbs. Donald Trump has received over seven feet of new tongue. Even Saddam Hussein has an access - he's obsessed with having white lady's wrists.

Perhaps the most disturbing effect is the disruption of rivers. This is footage of the river Euphrates flowing backwards. It looks like it's flowing forwards, but only because we've reversed the film.

[having exaggerated sex with a woman] If this were really happening, what would you think?

[in studio] Perhaps you wouldn't be that surprised. Increasingly, it seems the bone around our brains is not the skull, but the pelvis.

We are permissive, yet confused. It is quite acceptable for Peter Sissons to receive oral sex during disaster reports on the Nine O'Clock News, and yet on the Isle of Man nudity is still considered so shocking, it's illegal for babies to be born naked.

Now, our friend here was unlucky enough to catch his virus from a blood transfusion, something he had no control over--

No, no, sorry, I got it from my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

My partner, yeah.

So you got bad AIDS, not good AIDS?

[to the AIDS guy] What if a madman broke in here with a machine gun and shot you to pieces? Anyone here yawning would get your blood in their mouth!

Homosexuals can't swim, they attract enemy radar, they attract sharks, they insist on being placed at "the captain's table", they get up late, they nudge people whilst they're shooting. They muck about. Imagine... the fear... of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat, when you retire at night you think to yourself "God... will I wake up and find everybody dead?" You can't run a ship like that.

Welcome back. Now, sex and children. "Stop right there," you might think, but don't say it, because to hear the word "stop" is, for many, the biggest turn-on of all.

My father repeatedly abused me between the ages of four and sixteen.

But it hasn't happened a lot recently?

No.

Good.