Alan: There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you.

Alan: There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.
Jerry: Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.

Alan: They call them cling-ons.
Denny: Did you says Klingons?

Alan: To more travels, Denny.
Denny: To the mountains��
Alan: Prairies��
Denny: Whores��
Alan: America the beautiful.

Alan: To next season, my friend.
Denny: Same night?
Alan: God, I hope.

Alan: We have no strategy for getting out. We, as a nation, are in denial. [Cassie] is in this courtroom, honoring one dead soldier. That's a start.

Alan: What are you thinking about? It's not a trick question.
Denny: Can't I have a solitary, pensive moment? Keep a thought to myself?
Alan: Ha, ha... You forgot what you were thinking.

Alan: What would you do as mayor of Boston?
Denny: Oh, I don't know, attack Rhode Island. Small.

Alan: Why is that so important to everyone, maintaining integrity?

Alan: Why'd he fire you?
Joan Zeder: Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, �Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.�� Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!
Alan: Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.

Alan: You and Jane Fonda?
Denny: Lest we forget Barbarella. Then she turned on me. Went red. They caught her in one of those communist bitch hunts.
Alan: I think you mean witch hunts.
Denny: No, I'm right on this one.

Alan: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: "I want a kinder and gentler nation."

Alan: You know, we have a saying in Massachusetts. "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." Until then.

Alan: Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Alan: Apple trash can is picked from God.
Eric: Huh?
Judge Willard: Mr Shore!
Alan: Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.
Eric: Objection! I think.
Judge Willard: Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.
Alan: [emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Army recruiter: [on the witness stand] We're at war. We need soldiers.