[Jimmy and Mike are sitting at a booth at Loyola's diner. Jimmy places a Hummel figurine on the table]
...And?
What if I told you you could turn this piece of crap into four grand, for each of us, minimum? This little fella, he's called the "Merry Wanderer." He's not much to look at, he's pretty easy to find. I got this one at a pawn shop on 4th for twenty bucks. But, he has a cousin called "Bavarian Boy," almost identical—same umbrella, same swagger. That one is worth a boatload.
And I gather you know where to find a Bavarian Boy?
I do indeed. He's gathering dust on a shelf in an office up on San Mateo and he's been there for God knows how long and they have no idea what they've got. To them, it's not Bavarian Boy, it's just some piece of junk Grandma gave me that I feel too guilty to get rid of. And that's where you come in. Now, this place I'm talking about, they're not exactly what you call security-conscious. There's no cameras whatsoever. There's an alarm on the door that I could probably bridge. And past that, you just pick a lock and walk over to the shelf and swap this Wanderer for that Boy. It's five minutes, max.
[Fran, a waitress, approaches the table]
Warm-up, gentlemen?
Yeah, thanks, Fran.
Wow, thanks.
[regarding the figurine] That's cute.
Isn't it, though?
Yeah. Have your food out in a jiff, Mike.
[sighs] Look. They're not even going to know it's gone. They look over at the shelf, they just see the same dumb tchotchke staring at 'em they've been looking at for years. There's no serial number. These things are practically untraceable. You send Pryce or some other schlub down to Dallas, next week they're having a collectibles expo. Those people are hungry for Hummels. I mean, their eyes are gonna pop when they see what we've brung 'em. And they will pay through the nose, which we will split fifty-fifty. So? It's perfect, right? We make some nice Hummel-loving lady happy, and we make a bundle. Let's do something beautiful here.
And how did you come across this valuable wunderkind?
What difference does it make?
Guys in the office cross you? Done you wrong?
[scoffs] What? You're, uh, missing the point! It's free money! You walk by a twenty on the sidewalk? No, you pick it up.
[beat] Pass.
What? Why?
It's not for me.
Not for you? Is there some problem I'm not seeing, like, with the swap or something?
Plan's fine as far as it goes, it's just not for me. And I don't think it should be for you, either. [beat] I'm sorry about your brother.
Yeah, thanks. What, you're really not gonna do this?
Sorry.
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