Andy Richter Controls the Universe Season 1 quotes

What kind of man calls himself a writer anyway?.. I’ll tell you what kind: the homosexual.

Andy

Wait! Did you have sex with my Wendy?

It does not feel right to talk about it.

The real tragedy is that when he went to dial 9-1-1 he forgot to dial 9 9-1-1.

Andy

(Voice over) I needed more information, so I came up with a foolproof anti-Semitism test. (To Leslie) Would you like a bagel, or perhaps a (with German accent) valden-riechen-lebensraum-torte?

Andy

What are you guys doing here?

Jessica

You’re being stupid!

Andy

No, technically that would be what I’m doing here.

Andy

And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.

Andy

Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself: how to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France.

Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.

Andy

Uh, listen. I wasn't gonna say this before because I wanted to be supportive and non-judgemental, but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish... And his wife!

Have you ever eaten a six-pound lobster off the chest of a seven-pound lobster?

"Well, at least she died doing what she loved... committing suicide.

All I know is, I hate racists. I hate everything about them, their music, their food, their so-called religion, the way their men are so skinny, and their wives are all so fat, but mostly, I hate the way they judge people based on tired stereotypes.

Andy

There's going to be a duct tape wedding! Cover your genitalia and run!

Good for you my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, eh?