Jeremy: This is from Mistress Goth, from the e-mail and she wants you to be her dungeon bitch. (Audience laughs) I'm not joking. Dungeon bitch.
Richard: (stammers and looks uncomfortable)
Jeremy: (interrupting) She says, no, no, she says that you won't have to walk around on your knees because he's so short he'd be a perfect foot rest.
Richard: Again, I'm thinking no.
Jeremy: Okay, well, just before you make your mind up we've got a photograph. We've actually went onto our website and here's the picture.
Richard: Oh my! She is a sturty girl, isn't she?
Jeremy: If she's looking for a hat stand I'm available.

Jeremy: With that jacket on mate? I don't think so...

Patrick Kielty: [On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.
Series 5

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!
[At the end of the film]
Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard: There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, which I can only assume is Jeremy.

Richard: What I really do want is a radio.
Jeremy: (Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo.
Richard: I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4!
Jeremy: (singing along) Thoughts running through my head...
Richard: Oh, I wish I had a radio!
Jeremy: That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life.
Richard: God, I wish I had a radio!
Jeremy: (smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?
Jeremy: Never. Do you?
Terry: No.
Jeremy: Foxes?
Terry: No!
Jeremy: No?
[silence]
Terry: ...children?
Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.
Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.
James: Oh dear....

[about to crash his £100 Audi]
James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[about to crash his £100 Volvo]
Jeremy: GERONIMO!