Top Gear quotes

1565 total quotes

David: Can we edit the spin out?
Jeremy: Yes, we can edit that out.
David: You promise?

David: You sprayed my helmet!
Jeremy: You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!

James: A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.
Jeremy: Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.
Richard: Oh god, which is a real possibility!
Jeremy: Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.
James: Yeah.
Richard: Cover yourself.
James: [cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say --
Jeremy: No, they said.
James: What?
Jeremy: They said.
James: Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ?25,000. It looks great.
Jeremy: You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?
James: Because they've gone bust.

James: Look at this! It's a fork on one end and a 10mm ring spanner on the other!
Richard: [Pointing at James] And the best thing is, there is another spanner in the middle, look!

Jeremy However, before you can do that [offer a car for sale to the public], it must pass a series of stringent EU tests. So we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top-secret proving ground, just off the A5 between Atherstone and Hinckley, near Fenny Drayton.

Jeremy: [attempting to waterproof their cars] Right. These are condoms...
Richard: Do you two need some time to yourselves?

Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there--20 miles--which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the upside of his testes. Just-- [mimes punching someone] --bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's frank into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70--
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Nelson Mandela.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Nelson Mandela is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway--
Jeremy: What, is it black or white?
James: --is an absolute.
Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. [points to James] A revolution... [points to Jeremy] ...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just... leave a bit earlier?
Jeremy: No, cube their heads!
Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.
Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!
James: It's not five minutes anyway.
Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute-- anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? [a man puts his hand up] How did you get here--Jesus! [the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus] Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
[The man joins Jeremy]
Jeremy: Congratulations for--
Jesus: Thank you.
Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming... do you commute on that bit of road?
Jesus: No, I go the back way.
Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
Jesus: Uhh... about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's--
Jesus: I ride a donkey each way.
Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?
Jesus: Yeah.
Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
Jesus: That's right.
Richard: Now that is a small point, that--
Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.
["Jesus" walks back into the audience to massive applause]
Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

Jeremy: Do you know what we've done? We've made something worse than a G-Wiz.

Jeremy: Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -
Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.

Jeremy: I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head's come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything, and it's the same story with this car.

Jeremy: It is extraordinary, if you think about it. In South America, there are no elephants, kangaroos, lions, hyenas, honey badgers, nothing interesting at all. It's all just insects designed to make you have a debilitating, agonising death.

Jeremy: Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -
Richard: Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.
Jeremy: [facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.

Jeremy: Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.
Richard: No, it's actually December, December 9th.
Jeremy: Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.
Richard: This is the past.
Jeremy: This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]
James: The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]
[laughter from Jeremy and the studio]
James: So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.
Jeremy: This year. This year.
Richard: Yes!

Jeremy: Why does everything always get broken in our Christmas thing?