The Day Today quotes

The Day Today: because fact into doubt won't go.

[motions for the camera to come forward] And we've just heard that areas in three of Britain's biggest cities are being evacuated due to suspect dogs.

It was over in seconds. A dog and three people dead from guns. Being old, they would have died soon anyway, but the dog, which contained no explosive at all, was shot to ribbons in its prime.

The only way police can neutralise bomb-dogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion. The inside of the bomb-dog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape. However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over a thousand feet.

The Prime Minister put on a brave face, but for many, like Tory whip Peter Goodwright, the time for calm words is over.

...an absolute f[BANG] disgrace. These inhuman shit-for-souls [BANG]ers have no place here; in my considered opinion, they are c[BANG]!

Sinn Féin have so far denied they are backing the campaign. Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader Rory O'Connor, who, under broadcasting restrictions, must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements.

So, what's your initial statement?

[inhales helium from a tank] These incidents are inevitable, given the position of the British Government.

You support this campaign, then?

The IRA have been forced into this position.

So you do support this campaign of violence.

[inhales helium] The IR... (inhales more helium) Sinn Féin is a legitimate political party.

Which supports terrorist action!

Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me very angry!

And since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting, and have sorted everything out.

Rosy May

An international ban on the hunting of waves has finally been introduced. Waves have been used for centuries to pull cars in small countries, but are now facing extinction.

Rosy May

My milk is green, come drink me.

The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast.

An old man stands naked in front of a mirror eating soup. He is a fool.

So how do you explain the case of Keith Philips, who returned from his out-of-body experience as a woman?

He didn't.

But we filmed it this afternoon, there's an awful lot of evidence to show what happened.

No, there isn't.

An optimist sees half a pint of milk. He says, "It is half full." A pessimist sees half a pint of milk. He says, "It is half empty." I see half a pint of milk. I say, "It is sour."

The headlines tonight: Euro MPs' new headsets play the sound of screaming women. Bryan Ferry bathmat poisonous say lab. And bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth. Those are the headlines. Happy now?

As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve.

It's been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming, "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it." That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.

I have this little dream whereby there's this whole village of reanimated corpses, and, if you like, a kind of control tower at the centre of that village with a bank of monitors, and I control all the corpses.

Why use corpses? Why not normal people? Why don't you just leave things the way they are?

Because, because normal people... because I wouldn't have my tower. I want a tower.